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(Maybe I am more like Nipsy than I think I am)
All silly aside, get better man, don't worry, YOUR MINES ARE VERY SAFE AND NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED.
I just need an outlet to vent, because frankly the past few weeks have been incredibly frustrating, emotional, and overall riddled with anxiety and sadness.
On April 14th, I started to feel sick, like -sick SICK- and of course I had to do the runaround for coronavirus, got put on some antibiotics and symptoms really didn't seem to get better after a week. A week later I started feeling really nauseous and dizzy, I called teledoc which said I needed to make an appointment with my primary care provider, the soonest appointment they could get me in was in two weeks, so I opted to go to urgent care. I arrived at urgent care, and the doctor did a preliminary examination and I was admitted into the hospital. They took blood, did Catscan and Xrays, and put me on more antibiotics, anti-nausea medicine, and I was sent home.
Another week passed, symptoms still not getting better. Back in the same hospital, new doctor didn't seem to be inconvenienced by my visit, did another Catscan, found some foreign bodies in my lower intestine, put me on -more- medicine, referred me to my PC and a GI specialist. The same week followed up with my doctor and GI, MORE blood taken, and markers for cancer were found in my blood, and examination found tumors in my colon. After bloodwork came back it was confirmed I was diagnosed with early stage colon cancer and would need to have surgery to remove what was in my insides.
More blood work was done, and appointment was scheduled, as of a week and a half ago. The soonest the surgery and oncology appointment could be scheduled was June 28th, I was placed on disability and am unable to work, and frankly my entire life has been turned upside down from this. The state approved my disability immediately, but still pending a few other things, ways to pay bills, and losing about 40% of my income due to this. Fast forward to this last Friday, and I received a letter from my employer, that they were not going to honor FMLA, because I had not worked for them for over a year, and that my insurance was being effectively cancelled, so another thing on the list i need to work on. (Yay me.)
As of today, I am still waiting for a consult from my doctor from a week and a half ago, they prescribed me the wrong medication which gave me a reaction (IE Seizures, convulsing and shortness of breath) which I called them about and demanded answers and a new prescription that would not do that, no word on my hemoglobin or blood count levels, no updates from oncology, and messages left daily, and I am sitting here in a position where I have been told "not to stress" obviously stressing. All in all having to face my own mortality, severe or not, is absolutely terrifying, but then I have fortunately had people in the community who have talked me off the ledge lately, and I have been taking my time being around for when I have the brain to escape, and not just using Aetolia as an escape and letting my bad feelings come in.
Overall, I am just frustrated and stressed, and I appreciate the people who allow me to vent, and to those who have been expecting things from me, or needing things, just send me a message I will get back to you, I just have a hard time focusing at the moment. I am hoping to get some answers today, and hopefully then I can sleep and feel rested enough to be part of things again, this weekend has just been rough.
Long story short: Cancer fucking sucks. (Im taking advantage of the curse word filter being removed, but I feel this is a valid reason)
Health is important, and colon cancer sucks. At least it has been found in its early stage. Better chances for beating those nefarious cells into submission and non-existence!
The doctor at urgent care told me that if I've had it for 5 days now like we suspect, that I'm probably not getting any worse than this, so that's a relief. I just wonder how I got it, and where I got it, and I hope I didn't make anyone else get it at the DMV.
This shit sucks. Not as bad as cancer(Still love ya Nipsy and hope you'll be okay), but still something that I wish we could get past some day.
Ten years ago today (okay, yesterday at this hour, but still) I lost my husband to suicide. He was in a dark place, scared that he was never going to change, and that the depression that had hounded him for ten years was going to stay forever. So he took control the only way he thought he could.
I'm not okay with it. He thought he was making things easier for me to move on. He was wrong. His memory will always be here, and once in a while, I still cry for the loss of what and who he could have been. I'm functional. I don't feel like I need help for it. But if I did, that would be okay.
Because reaching out for help is okay. People care about you, sometimes even people you don't realise do.
There are a lot of resources out there if you feel like you can't talk to your friends or family. You're not a burden - the people who staff the support lines, the chat options, therapists and counsellors and all kinds of other people, they do it because they want to help. They want to see you find your way out of the darkness - being the light gives them a little bit of purpose, a little bit of something good to fight all the bad that's out there.
In his memory, I strive to be a little kinder some days, a little brighter, because you never know when your little glow is what gets someone through the darkness.
Be kind to each other.
If in doubt, please refer to the Forum Rules! If in more doubt, please reach out to a moderator.
Act as you would wish to be treated.
"It costs you nothing to assume that we are acting in good faith."
I'm vice president of a non-profit wildlife rehabilitation center and I'm licensed to do this. I also have two jobs.
I really hate when I am at max capacity with baby animals and I get a call for someone who set a trap and left a baby fox in a trap for several days and they finally felt bad enough to call me.
I spent my evening crying and doing emergency procedures on a baby red fox that I don't know is going to make it.
I wanted to throw up the whole time, I cried for like 2 hours, and now I have a baby sleeping next to me until I can get it to a wildlife vet in the morning because they don't have 24 hour wildlife vets.
I'm so tired, I'm so sick of orphaned baby animals coming in due to human negligence, and I seriously just can't stand that only the handful of us that dedicate our lives to saving animals have to run so exhausted, short staffed (volunteers) and underfunded.
I hate people and I'm afraid if I go to sleep I'm going to wake up to a dead fox laying next to me.
Drive slower, stop and check opossums on the road for babies in their pouches, and for the love of Christ, don't set traps and leave animals wounded for no freaking reason please.
As I'm about to be in between jobs (as unhappiness with my employer is one of the sources of so much negativity in my mood and I need to take steps to help myself) and my country's healthcare system is an absolute joke, I'm just feeling a little stranded and frustrated with how things are going. Once I finish the hiring process for one of the jobs I'm currently on track for, I think I'll be less uncomfortable/worried, but right now the entire situation is making a bit of a negative feedback loop for me and that sucks.
I most of all really wish I could manage to eat a full meal - the act of preparing and consuming a meal I make myself is often one of the most therapeutic things I can do for myself mentally and emotionally, but I haven't had an appetite in like a week or so and often have to force myself to eat things.
I'm not going to make this a long-winded post, but I am frankly dealing with some mental stuff right now that, compounded with the "pressures" of in-game leadership and the event, are a bit much for me to deal with right now. In between recently becoming a vtuber, changing jobs, one war leading into the War of Night and now another war... Yeah. I'm a bit spent. I deeply apologize for how quickly entrenched my character became upon returning, including towards becoming a Senator with IC guidance from Severn, but I need a break to focus on other more important stuff right now. I hate to do this in the middle of such an important IC event, especially with Spinesreach at war again, but my mind and heart just aren't in the right space to do this. Love y'all. Again, I'm very sorry.
I've been in the hospital since then which is why no one has seen me on Aetolia since Friday. I have some sort of infection in my blood and it's not the same spot as last time. Both of my legs are fine. They don't know the source of it yet but I've been hooked up to saline and antibiotics all week so far. They're going for a hail Mary here shortly and doing a scan of my abdomen to check there. I have to drink 30 ounces of this Barium Sulfate stuff in preparation in the next two hours and I'm staring at the bottles as I write this just thinking how I hate this so much and I wish I could just fix it permanently. I know fixing it permanently would mean big changes in my life, which likely means leaving things I enjoy like Aetolia in order to fix them.
I hate that it's come to this but I know I'll be out of here soon and I know I'll feel better again. I already do but hopefully this time this won't come back and we'll figure out the source of it.
I have been gone for a long while and I don't think I'm coming back any time soon, but I wanted to check in here since I've shared in the past and I'm someone who wonders what ever happened to people. So here is some closure.
I am doing a lot better, not great, but far better than I was when I first left. I have better doctors, better action plans for my health, and a more stable living situation. I am being gentle with myself and getting better sleep. I dropped so much from my life and that was and still is very difficult but has made all the difference in getting my stress levels to a place that doesn't seem impossible to tackle.
I reread rp logs sometimes and consider logging in again because I miss writing with so many of you beautiful souls, but I know how slippery that slope is and that it would be unhealthy for me to do so. Boundaries and awareness are so important, and I'm taking the refrain 'Real Life Comes First' very seriously.
These are not empty platitudes, the character development and emotional labor I worked through as Teotl helped me grow and learn as their Player, and so you have all forever impacted my life.
I hope you are taking care of yourselves and each other the best way you know how.
Blood, Honey, Dreams, and Chaos,
Teotl Startail
It's really god damn hard to try to find joy, smile, or not cry right now.
Thanks to my Aetolia friends that have been solids this week, checking in on me and making me smirk in my miserable existence.
I work with Deutsch Drahtaars. Had them in my family for years, I just got the 4th of its kind in my family. This boy's 2.5 years old, great guy. But we got him because his previous owners couldn't handle a working dog with dad out of the house.
It's been a real blessing, since my father took his dog (who I've been handler for and my girlfriend and I have bonded/raised on his behalf), to go on a hunting trip.
He went out with my uncle today, and my uncle wanted to take his truck. The dog has to stay in the box of the truck on account of the cats on the property. It was below freezing when they left and the dog was shivering even with blankets over his crate, so my father put a heater in the box after feeding, watering and letting him run and pee.
My aunty went to check on him mid-morning, and it looks like he succumbed to heat stroke within minutes of her being there.
This was the first dog since I was a child that I saw through from puppy, that I bonded with. Every other dog I've worked (and there's been lots) I've been able to put a barrier up with, let it go without too much qualm. It's not my dog, right?
But this boy was MY dog. I picked his name. I took him on his first hunts. I was there when he learned to swim, when he learned to track. I worked him through retrieving, and he was truly a regal champion amongst dogs. He still had the puppy smell on his ears. He never even got to show the world how amazing he was.
Due to Covid I couldn't test him to make him breedable, and now his genes and everything that was amazing about him is just... gone. I'm wrecked.
edit:
I know it's not the same as a family member, being a dog, but this boy got me through some real tough times. Real tough. He snuck into my heart, I fully bonded with him like I haven't in a long time. I'd have put my life on the line with him. At one point my body -was- a shield to protect him and he was my security as well.
Just gutted.