Worst Descriptions Ever 2: Golden Dragon Milk Strikes Again

SeirSeir Seein' All the ThingsGetting high off your emotion
Previous forums had this.

This is basically a repository of some of the most horrifying or hilarious descriptions that you've seen on a person. I'm going to start with the poster child of bad descriptions everywhere. As a note, this description is from Lusternia but is still the poster child for the rest of IRE.

She is a fierce dracnari and the effects of the Taint are readily seen in her form. The illegitimate child of a Dracnari lord and her human mother, Princess Lyra of the Moon, she exhibits traits of both races. Her entire body is encrusted in shimmering emerald green scales, excepting her two breasts, pale as the moon and unblemished like virgin snow. Innocently left uncovered, they are her sole pride, as they connect her to her mother and the human race. Upon the slightest movement of her shapely torso, thin, trickling rivulets of golden dragon milk issue forth from the dainty, coral red nipples, imparting upon her the fragrance of divine ambrosia. A pair of colossal wings sprout from between her shoulder blades. Encased in silver and steel, these wings appear to be able to withstand large impacts. Ancient runes and symbols are inscribed in gold upon the metallic surfaces. While in combat, these wings can be angled to reflect and concentrate beams of moonlight, briefly stunning the viewer. A diminutive pair of wings left uncoated emerge from the small of her back. Just below them extends a slender tail, constantly flicking back and forth like the tongue of a serpent. A daughter of the Taint, her body is imperfect and covered in scales like a snake, the incarnation of evil. Growing up in the influence of the Taint, she has known no other way of life. Lyra, deserted by her lord and soon afterwards bereft of her child, died in agonizing despair. However, she must have imparted to her daughter more than a fair share of her goodness, for Laterne's eyes shine with an inner peace.


  • TeaniTeani Shadow Mistress Sweden
    I don't even.. Just... O M G, my eyes!

  • AngweAngwe I'm the dog that ate yr birthday cake Bedford, VA
  • That was scary... True, I've seen some scary descs in Aetolia, but nothing even comes close to that.


  • SeirSeir Seein' All the Things Getting high off your emotion
    Rumor has it that it was a @Lin alt.
  • EmelleEmelle Dreamshaper Tecpatl's Cradle
    Just the other day I was wondering why this thread hadn't been reestablished on newforum. I think it was after reading the "don't need no man" newbie desc.

    (for the love of humanity, will someone please get that post up in here)
  • LinLin Blackbird The Moonglade
    edited March 2013
    That wasn't me you piece of three course turkey dinner with dessert.
  • PiperPiper Master Crumbs
    I'm liking that for the edit. Now I'm hungry, and I hate you for it.
  • From Xavin's post in Quotes and Misquotes, at Emelle's request, I present:

    Look laquanda

    She is a typical Human and is a strong, independent black woman and she don't need no man.

  • Nola said:
    From Xavin's post in Quotes and Misquotes, at Emelle's request, I present:

    Look laquanda

    She is a typical Human and is a strong, independent black woman and she don't need no man.

    I am totally responsible for this.
  • EmelleEmelle Dreamshaper Tecpatl's Cradle
    edited March 2013
    She is a typical Human a lovely lady, standing at about 5'10 a light creme color with only the slightest hints of a tanned physique. her sleek curvy form flows like a beautiful hourglass. An soft pious face sits atop her slim neck. Her hair tied up in a single bun with only a set of long black bangs left unchecked to frame her face. Sleek, thin eyebrows draw attention to the two glowing lush green eyes as they gaze about with an appraising gaze. A soft quint nose flows lower leading two her soft pouty lips. A tender neck and pious shoulders flow lower into a busty womans chest. Sleek lines rolling down the girls trim stomach and flaring out into wide hips. Once more siphoning down into long lively legs and supple feet. She is wearing:
    tan canvas and glass high-heeled shoes
    a white silk backless dress
  • SeirSeir Seein' All the Things Getting high off your emotion
    How to tell if someone is a mudsex alt by their description:

    1.) Hourglass figure. If the word hourglass is anywhere regarding the physique, this is a prime indicator of mudsex alt.
    2.) An ample bosom, or anything stating how the breasts are huge. Generally, if the breasts are mentioned in any detail at all, it's generally a bad sign.
    3.) Pouty lips.
    4.) A "perky" behind.
    5.) If the eyes are described as orbs or you can SENSE SOME DEEP SORT OF WISDOM FROM THEIR DEPTHS.
    6.) Lack of any discernible flaw (e.g. Mary Sue syndrome)
  • EzalorEzalor Emperor D'baen Canada
    No, no. Mary Sues have one teeny tiny insignificant flaw so they aren't "OMGPERFECT." Like only one dimple. Or a weird hairstyle. Or a penis.
  • AarbrokAarbrok Breaking things...For Science San Diego, CA
    edited April 2013
    My boobs are fantastic.
    That is all.

    And...I have a big flaw.....its in a jar.
  • Oh yeah Aarbrok? My flaw is bigger! -neener-
  • MereliiMerelii Reno, NV DesertFTW
    It's not the size of your flaw, it's how you use it, don'cha know. :3
  • edited May 2013
    He is a resilient Horkval and holy shit, it's a fucking bug. A big one. Really, really big. Like, bigger than a horse. It has legs, and arms, but no tits, because it's a fucking bug. Also, it has really big eyes. They're the size of dinner plates, and they're yellow.

    I'm pretty sure he wrote this specifically because I mentioned oocly that horkval were very specifically bugs, and not humans when he asked me for tips on describing himself. Before anyone asks, he was joking.

    I think.
  • That desc is amazing.
  • I had to dig to find this one again. I feel it contests for the posterchild of IRE. From Imperian:

    He is a scaly kohdon and is a very tall Kohdon, his eyes being the color of fire. He is about 6'7 245 pounds and very muscular in his upper body and legs giving hum UnGodly speed. His scales resembling that of the forest being a dark green that make is firey eyes more apparent. His right shoulder has a scar from where he fell into the ocean and he was bittin by a shark. His hair being of a black color making it look almost not there. His teeth white and strong as his body could probably chomp anyone down.
  • edited May 2013
    He is a muscular Atavian as Standing at six feet and six inches tall, he has long lustrous black hair. His body is built with muscles flexing by their own, his eyes are hazel with blue specks. Two large wings reat on his back while each ear there are two small loops that shine when light hits them. Looking at his body you can see he has a number of different tattoo's along with scars. His skin color is a dark cream color making him look more serious of things and as a warrior

    Same guy:
    He is a muscular Ursine Standing eight feet tall, his body is covered in midnight-black fur. His ears stand up at a point as two small loops are in each ear. Looking at his eyes, they are like hazel with blues specks. Moving down to his mouth, that hangs in a grin, you can see his pointed, sharp teeth are mixed with white and yellow. His neck on down his body you can see his muscles, throbbing from the long,hard hunt he was one. his claws are black but have been stain with the blood of his enemies.

    This guy needs a proof reader something serious...

  • Lost it at the ending. The mental image of him soaring away every time someone looks at him...

    Arbre-Today at 7:27 PM

    You're a vindictive lil unicorn

    Lartus-Today at 7:16 PM

    oh wait, toz is famous

    Karhast-Today at 7:01 PM

    You're a singularity of fucking awfulness Toz
    Didi's voice resonates across the land, "Yay tox."


    Block Toz

    limToday at 10:38 PM

    you disgust me
    (Web): Bryn says, "Toz is why we can't have nice things."

  • SeirSeir Seein' All the Things Getting high off your emotion
    Fly hiiiiiigh.

    High into the skyyyyyyy.
  • AngweAngwe I'm the dog that ate yr birthday cake Bedford, VA
    There's SO much wrong with that description. It's like being hit by Kenshiro, no time to recover.

  • AngweAngwe I'm the dog that ate yr birthday cake Bedford, VA
    He is a clever Xoran and is also part Atavian. This strange mixture of bloodlines gives him the distinctive features of both races, the Xorani tail, and a pair Atavian wings. It also gives him a slight human appearance. Instead  of being covered by a Xoran's protective scales, he is fair skinned like any  human, the only place where the scales are in appearance are on his tail, giving it a slight gray tint along with a snakish texture. His face is well sculpted  with harsh, sharp lines accentuating his cheekbones, and the soft almond shape of his eyes, and his long aristocratic nose. The soft golden glow  of his eyes is set off only by the slight silver and sapphire blue flecks of  color spiraling out from his pupil. Hair the color of deepest midnight falls  around his head in a cascade of shadows, his bangs falling rakishly into his  face, while the mass of his hair is tied back in a leather thong. Behind him crimson stained wings sprout from his broad, powerful shoulders, each feather shimmering the soft color of a ruby as it catches a bit of light. He stands at 6 feet 2 inches tall. He walks with the blessing of Niuri.
    He is wearing:
    a silver chain-linked onyx necklace, around the neck
    loose-fitting gi pants of vibrant teal, worn on the legs
  • @Emelle: Disagree. I find that desc great. :D

    I'm just not sure what I like best: Misinterpreting 'leather thong' on the first skim-read (though considering the rest of the desc I'm not surprised), the fact that he forgot to mention his imp-horkval-grecht-troll grandparents or the blessing of Niuri at the very end.
  • ArbreArbre Arbrelina Jolie Braavos
    To be fair to Niuri, it's probably an org blessing.
  • Arbre said:
    To be fair to Niuri, it's probably an org blessing.
    I know. I still found it ironically fitting. ;)
  • ArekaAreka Drifting in a sea of wenches' bosoms
    edited October 2013
    He is a clever Mhun though is visibly of Orcish descent as well. The Half-Orc stands a few inches under eight feet in height. He is immensely broad in shoulder and in essentially the rest of his heavily muscled frame. Shining out from behind a tangled mass of wavy black and violet hair, his remarkably vibrant eyes are striking in the fact his irises are comprised of three rings of color an outer black, a middle white and finally a royal purple that hugs his narrow pupils. His leathery skin is mottled with patches of pale ashen grey and dark green. His face is handsome in a rogue-like way, though his brow is a bit heavy. His bottom eye teeth are tusk-like protruding a small way out of his mouth. His fingers are tipped with sharp black claws. On his upper left shoulder is a brand resembling two crossed mining picks.

    Three feet taller than both of the races that spawned it and with endgame eyes: as I am told is a current meme - such wow. 
  • IvolnIvoln Azvosh Rakar
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