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"The smell of dusty fur, sweet smoke, waiting and patience, a thing that time cannot kill. The moth that candles won't burn."
http://thewaveborn.tumblr.com/
Its Hunt, or be Hunted. ➴
@Emelle: Your new stuff is great, as ever. The Lin one I liked a lot- I think I probably connected with that one better because I know her character pretty well. Getting to peek into a part of Lin's life that Elea hasn't seen is interesting! I like the way you've handled Fork in the Road, too, it tells a good little story, compact but complete, I think. Something feels a little off in that one though- I think it's the way some of the sentences have personal pronouns in them, but some sentences omit them (eg 'Never was very devout, didn't have much reason to be'). Maybe I don't have a good grasp of Emelle as a character, but it doesn't quite feel right for her voice?
@Iosyne: I'm a fan of the chittery bug horror theme, so this one definitely caught my interest! I think you could probably push this one the extra mile by really getting into descriptions of the carpet of insects, pack in some similie or metaphor and really focus on the nightmarishness of the zerg swarm.
@Lin: I don't think I mentioned it in my last critique train, but some of the turns of phrase you use are really brilliant. 'Invincible aluminium day' is one of the best things I've read in a while! Critique-wise for that one, the tense change is a bit awkward, I think the whole piece could be in present tense and not suffer.
@Haven: Your storytelling is solid, and you set the scene well in your second entry. The monologue about the Gods feels a little off, and I think it's because all of a sudden your sentences are shorter- and the interrobang (?!) that you've got at the end of that little bit makes it seem much more like a person's thoughts than the rest of it really indicated- in my opinion, the piece needs either more emotive language and perhaps colloquialism to really underline that it's someone's thoughts, or less of the anecdotal style and more of the third-person descriptive style to pull it away from being thoughts. You might consider putting quotation marks around or italicising the specifically-someone's-thoughts parts, alternatively, that'd separate it up pretty well. Also, it's just a personal taste thing, but I don't really go for the backwards-name things. I'm in the habit of reading things backward if they look funky, so when it's a plain word that's been reversed it feels like... kinda lazy naming convention to me, I guess? But as I said, it's more personal taste than something I can really critique on.
@Kiyotan: Write more u beardy git
@Seir: See above, minus the beard
@Moirean: Wow, Rivalry was a great read! I pretty much loved all of that. I really enjoyed the anecdotal looking-back feeling of it, and the snippets of humour like the description of facing down the entire syssin guild. The only thing I'd perhaps like to see would be more time lingering on Tral, but maybe there was less to him than the others and that's why there's not as much? Making History, also, hilarious. I did read through expecting it to turn dark, a bit of a sting in the tail with it all- there was a little, with #16, but it could be really interesting to add a little more of that. Also, I dunno about #17 as an end point- after all, you didn't exactly call it a day!
@Arbre: Seeking Solace and Judgement are really nice- Judgement though, especially, I love the emotions and the relationship you define in that one. Running Away, also good- these don't have the cut-off feel that some of your earlier ones did. Opportunities is very short, and I'm not sure if I think it's good that way or I'd like to see more. Perhaps a little elaboration about exactly what opportunity she's having a chance at? Death is really good, a neat length for the content. It's well-framed, and each of the paragraphs fits into the narrative really well, I think. You've put a great bunch of prompts together! I really like the mood of Obsession, I think you're definitely getting the hang of wrapping up a solid narrative in only a couple of paragraphs.
@Phoenecia: I think 'fare' is the word you want in the start of Game. Cute little story, like the last ones- a fun little bit of mischief to read about. Did that thing actually happen ingame? The only thing that feels off to me, really, is that it's difficult to draw a bead on Alistaire's character from the snippet- I can't figure out how angry he's supposed to be, because the intensity of the language that you're using to describe it isn't consistent, sometimes he seems like he's at the arms-flapping rage-yell stage and others he's only a little rankled?
@Roux: Separation was pretty powerful, though I think part of that may be because I only just read through Arbre's writing before yours- so I already had an idea of what the setting was. The writings dovetail really nicely! Also, I have never had a snowball fight but good lord 'everyday magic' was a lot of fun to read. Your pacing is really great, and again, you've got a strong and entertaining voice. In Fork in the Road, there's a little bit of tense-weirdness in the first paragraph, the past tense bits don't quite seem to match. Happens again in the comfortable silence paragraph. I like the story though, it's got some lovely emotion going on. You could probably push that further by adding some emotive description to the scene-setting.
@Tolemy: Your metaphor is really gorgeous- the description of the dawn, I especially liked. There's only one thing that throws me off about Broken- and it's a small niggling thing, but man, the name semolina jars me because it immediately makes me think of the food. It's interesting, but reading back to 'Astonished' feels more solid now because of the framing that 'serenity' has given it- I thought Silence meant the hunting ground item, but now I see it's more metaphorical than that! Looking forward to seeing if that happens with more of your writing as you progress.
@Toz: You didn't seem to think they were much chop, but I really like your writing- it's rambly and talky and that's a style I'm pretty fond of. I think I like Game more than the other one- it tells more of a story, whereas 33% is more of a description. I like the kind of frenzied description present in 33% though, and it works pretty well to imagine this as someone's internal monologue while fighting. Only thing I'd prod at is that the forward slashes are a bit jarring to the flow of the story- you can italicise in tumblr, so why not try that instead?
@Mariena: Think you accidentally a word in the second sentence of Forever and a Day. The narrative is really lovely, and I like the diary format, it really sets the story up well- I'm not sure about the tense shifts, though. I get why you're doing them, but they feel a bit weird. The italics might be enough to keep the different parts separate, if you brought them up to be present tense as well- maybe something to experiment with? I really enjoyed Opportunities, well-framed, well-characterised, and pretty funny as well! Faith was also good, you've got a good handle on setting a scene and imparting character along with it. Everyday Magic I like a little less- your descriptions are a little repetitive (frame several times in a short space) and augh, you hit one of my biggest pet peeves, which is 'orbs' when talking about eyes. It's a cute little vignette all the same, but I think it could benefit maybe from a little more elaboration about her falling over to make it clear that that's what's happened.
@Akaryuterra: wut u doing in here get out. Seriously though, you already know what I think about your stuff. I kind of wish you were doing it all based on aetolia, because I can always read more of the boys, but the offtopic ones you're doing are pretty well written all the same. I think they lack a little because they don't get the bonus framing of a work that's set on the foundation provided by the rest of Aetolia, but they're still perfectly serviceable as short stories. I like the early morning one- hadn't seen that- but I think the personification in the last paragraph feels a little... hum, stark, out of place maybe, because there isn't more of it in the rest of the piece. Punctuation is a bit wonk in the 'rough road' piece- is this one old? I like it though, it's kind of quiet and comfortable, no extreme drama but enough development to make it interesting. Considering some of the other stuff you've written I was worried about the climber, so it was kind of a relief that he didn't fall to his death.
@Lydiatha: Hrk, the music on your tumblr startled me! Anyway, great start you've made there. Something that hadn't occurred to me until I read your writing was that I'd never seen the fisherwoman given any character- but I kind of like the idea that she's the sort of lady who'd shout encouragement as the escapees sailed off. Solid writing all round! Makes me think of a morrowindy game-start, which is not at all inappropriate given the setting. Looking forward to seeing more of yours.
"The smell of dusty fur, sweet smoke, waiting and patience, a thing that time cannot kill. The moth that candles won't burn."
As far as the story itself goes...that specific instance didn't actually happen, but there have been quite a few like it (Phoe hiding random things around the guildhall and Alistaire being exasperated by it). I didn't realize that Alistaire's characterization was that confusing. I was trying to make him come off as slightly annoyed, but I'm kind of bad at getting other people's characters accurate. Mostly it's because I'm not able to pin down their little nuances. >_>
On Forever and a Day, I actually flipped back and forth between first and third in the italics parts. It just didn't sit right when it was in first all the way through. I might try that format again with another of the stories and see if I can smooth out the kinks there. I think it suits Mari's self-involved voice well
(I don't know how to click outside of the gray quote box to put my answer, halp
"To be awkward or unkempt, to talk or move wrongly is to be a dangerous giant, a destroyer of worlds...any accurately improper move can poke through the thin sleeve of immediate reality." - Erving Goffman