100 Themes Writing Challenge

24

Comments

  • ArbreArbre Arbrelina Jolie BraavosMember Posts: 2,094 ✭✭✭✭✭
    I've never been any good at keeping up with things, but here's my effort.  I said screw you to this timer crap and just set a vague goal length.  Criticize away.

    http://arbreaquila.tumblr.com/
  • MoireanMoirean Chairmander PortlandMember Posts: 5,612 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Oh, that is so touching and sad. Great start.
  • PhoeneciaPhoenecia The Merchant of Esterport Somewhere in AtticaMember Posts: 796 ✭✭✭✭✭
    I've been in a writing mood lately, so I think I'll get in on this too. I'm not working with any kind of restrictions on these, so I'm writing each of the challenge themes as little vignettes of stuff that's either happened to Phoenecia or stuff that I imagine she's doing whenever I'm not playing her.

    My writing stuff can be found here: http://phoeaetolia.tumblr.com/

    I'll probably be posting other non-challenge writing stuff there at some point, but any comments or critiques are fine since I'm trying to improve my writing.
  • LinLin Blackbird The MoongladeMember Posts: 1,850 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Just posted my take on #6, "Obsession". Only mentioning it because Eleanor liked my unseen narrator and her live-in mate, Blame. The narrator's name is Lauren if you're curious.

  • RouxRoux Member Posts: 131 ✭✭✭
    edited March 2013
    Ok, so, after reading a few of them, I really wanted to see how far I could get with these over who knows how long a length of time. I also went without the timer, but I may pick it up later in.
    http://rouxaquila.tumblr.com/

    Oh, right, critiques. Sure, sure, just make sure that knife is sharp and cut swiftly.
  • MeyvitchMeyvitch Member Posts: 684 ✭✭✭✭

    Gee, Arbre, now I just feel terrible. But I liked Rivalry!

    imageimage "Little pig, little pig, let me in, let me in. You look tasty and smell like bacon." *LICKLICKLICK*
  • EmelleEmelle Dreamshaper Tecpatl's CradleMember Posts: 712 ✭✭✭✭✭
    It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own small circle of acquaintances and story arcs, but having the opportunity to read some of these from people I haven't had the opportunity to interact with much (or at all) is a pretty amazing reminder of how much depth Aetolia has. Really enjoying everyone's contributions!
    Haven
  • MeyvitchMeyvitch Member Posts: 684 ✭✭✭✭

    Tumblr wasn't working when I tried to re-read everyone's posts and start my own acct. I've already written for the Burning and breakfast prompts and was thinking of adding them here. :)

     

    imageimage "Little pig, little pig, let me in, let me in. You look tasty and smell like bacon." *LICKLICKLICK*
  • TolemyTolemy Member Posts: 25 ✭✭✭
    edited March 2013
    I'll bite! I'm going to use the second theme list instead of the first. 

    http://tol100.tumblr.com/

    There are so many savvy writers here, and I welcome feedback from any of you.
    image
  • MoireanMoirean Chairmander PortlandMember Posts: 5,612 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Ooh, very beautiful writing for your first entry. Your use of metaphor is very evocative.
  • EmelleEmelle Dreamshaper Tecpatl's CradleMember Posts: 712 ✭✭✭✭✭
  • LinLin Blackbird The MoongladeMember Posts: 1,850 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Haven't updated mine in a while, my next entry is "Death" and it's going to be a big, hairy deal, so I'm taking off my usual limitations and writing something a lot longer.

  • EleanorEleanor FOR SCIENCE Member Posts: 818 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Awright, critique train again.

    @Emelle - That last one, Rebirth, yikes! I'd heard Omei was nuts, but that's more violent than I'd seen out of her! A Moment In Time was interesting to read- I only realised why she didn't look for the apple after I'd finished it and been puzzled for a bit, it was pretty rewarding to come to the realisation. Faith is different to the others- less of a narrative, more of a manifesto- and I like the change in writing style it demonstrates. Is that how Emelle- for lack of a better word- preaches? When talking motivationally to others, I mean.
    @Iosyne - The tense shift right at the start of Seeing Red feels a bit weird, but I like the scenery you've written about. I think I know what that 'effigy' is- I kind of wanted to see what you were going to do with that, so I hope you're planning to write more with that particular element in it!
    @Lin - Gateway is really intriguing- like the others, it offers a glimpse into something that's obviously much broader than you've shown. I don't know if the narrative at the start and the recount in italics really fit together, though- I think they could easily stand as vignettes on their own, and linking them together is... well, because they're together you can assume they're related, but there's not really anything to link them aside from the fact that they're together. Maybe some kind of indication or even a tiny hint in the narrative as to what the italics are describing might be would help link it better?
    @Haven - Interesting start- I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but I have to ask- considering that the mountain's name is 'desire' backward and some of your word choices, did you intend the first little bit to be... erotic? it's kind of got a hint of sexuality to it, and if that's what you were going for it could be interesting stylistically to push the language choices further in that direction. I'm uncertain as to whether that's what you were going for or not, though, given the rest of the subject matter. Are you intending to elaborate more on the, uh, Goofy Time (no dad no) that you've hinted at?
    @Kiyotan - Your writing is good narratively- it gets across the story you want to tell- but I'd really love to see you experiment with description and wordplay. Get some metaphors up ins, or just spend some time luxuriating in describing a setting or person or the mood of conversations and gestures, you know?
    @Seir - Write more, I've read yours already!
    @Moirean - I really enjoyed the way you described the conversation in 'Complicated' from an imp's-eye view- describing the branches rather than Haern gave the piece a lot of character. The Introductions one you did, I found difficult to get into- I think it's because the progression of dates didn't seem to be natural or significant- it wasn't an even progression, but the dates seemed kind of arbitrary. I could be missing something, because I think you know more about the super-early days of the game than I do, but it didn't really grab me either way.
    @Arbre - I admit, I got a little smile from the casual inclusion of 'ripped groins out' in the list of things in Rivalry. I'm not sure if you were going for humour, but I think it was a good choice! I really liked 'Complicated'- it has this frank, straightforward tone to it that's very appealing. Making History is good, too, it's strongly constructed and gets its message across succinctly. I think that maybe Rivalry and Unbreakable kind of end too quickly, though- neither of them seem to conclude neatly, just cut off. Unbreakable especially, I think, would need more to be more understandable. I can see where you're going with both, but they need rounding off? Also, I think you accidentally a word in the last line of Unbreakable's third paragraph.
    @Phoenecia - Your writing so far is really solid- it definitely reads like it might be part of a good oldfashioned fantasy novel. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but there's an interesting sort of change in your first piece, from third person at the start- it definitely feels like someone watching phoe- but then it becomes... second person I think, where the reader is more eavesdropping on her thoughts? The second one, lost and found, was super-adorable. Again, very solid narrative going on. It almost feels like it doesn't need the last little bit that explicitly says that phoe was in a good mood- there's goodfeels going on pretty thickly already in that end of the story, so it might be more elegant if left implied by a description of her smiling or whatnot.
    @Roux - There's a few other people writing in first person, but for some reason I'm really getting into yours- it's got a huge helping of character, and the descriptions you're using are really colourful and lively. I don't really know any of the people in your circle of RPers, so I'm curious to see who a few of the unnamed characters you've been writing about actually are. Also as an aside, I love your layout, with the list down the side. Classy as hell.
    @Tolemy - Wow, your writing is really fantastic- your descriptions and the way you- how do I even say it- wield your words, is really interesting. The bit about many mothers was really appealing, and the metaphor of filling her with trinkets and things, I really enjoyed. Is this your character you're writing about, or one you've made up for the setting? I'm hoping you'll continue using it for the writing, either way, because I'm super-intrigued so far.
    MoireanEmelleIosyneHaven
  • MoireanMoirean Chairmander PortlandMember Posts: 5,612 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited April 2013
    Oh the random dates were me trying to make a joke about the fact that the game didn't start on year one, for some reason. 

    PUBLIC NEWS #1
    Date: 10/7/2001 at 2:18
    From: Varian, the Satus
    To  : Everyone
    Subj: Welcome to Aetolia!

    Welcome, everyone, to the Midnight Age.

    ...words, etc...

    Penned by my hand on the 14th of Arios, in the year 53 MA.


    ----------------

    Comments on the stuff I see on my tumblr feed (seeeee I can figure out technology!):

    @tolemy - Your character reminds me of "Breathmoss" from Ian R. MacLeod, which is an absolutely gorgeous story about a girl raised by women encountering her first sight of a man. It's a really cool concept to tackle - how would something we take for granted be perceived if we grew up without it? Very fun to read.

    @lin - I love your use of various voices. You have some simply lovely phrases - "a digital sylph" really got me - which capture a concept succinctly and perfectly. I'm having a trouble with the context, so I've just been reading each piece as a standalone (not sure if they are intended to be read together?), but they are so well written, that it's enjoyable regardless.

    @phoenecia - aww, that story is so adorable. Very nice insights into who Phoenecia is and captures the softer, kinder side of Enorian very well. Reminds me of my early days as a Paladin. I enjoyed reading it.

    @emelle - I'm liking your use of different tenses and perspectives. There's a lot of variety in your pieces, and each one is a compelling read. Your descriptions are great - "A Moment in Time" really stood out for me. Very evocative.

    @roux - your stuff is really visceral and intense. I love it. Lots of action; even when it's just thoughts and description, there is a tense, quick feeling to it which captures the essence of combat. Your word choices and short, punctuated sentences really help with that. It's got a great feral vibe to it.

    @arbre - Really liking your use of a quote to set the theme for each entry. You've captured a really interesting vibe with these - angry and defiant, but there's also a defensive tone to it, so it's almost like we're reading a diary where Arbre justifies why she is who she is. It's a very personal glimpse, and very engaging.
    EmelleHaven
  • HavenHaven World Burner Flight SchoolMember Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Eleanor said:
    @Haven - Interesting start- I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but I have to ask- considering that the mountain's name is 'desire' backward and some of your word choices, did you intend the first little bit to be... erotic? it's kind of got a hint of sexuality to it, and if that's what you were going for it could be interesting stylistically to push the language choices further in that direction. I'm uncertain as to whether that's what you were going for or not, though, given the rest of the subject matter. Are you intending to elaborate more on the, uh, Goofy Time (no dad no) that you've hinted at?
    @Eleanor: I don't know that erotic is the same word I would've gone with. I like to do a little bit of compare and contrast in my writing to highlight certain things like mood, theme, emotion, character traits, etc. So when I introduced Remmy, a character in a story by an unknown author within the Aetolian world that Seryn happens to be reading from, I was hoping to convey a sense of ease and peace. A world or a character approaching light and fantasy. Where things were getting good and dreams come true before I dropped the story back into the grim reality that was Seryn's and Haven's life. I intend to elaborate more on that reality and show similarities and differences to Seryn's dreams and storybook as I go on.

    As I wrote the introduction, I felt a bit rushed due to the 10 minute time limit I set myself. So I may have missed my mark entirely! Though I intend to keep to the time limit throughout this and possibly even shorten it somewhere down the line if only because I want to overcome the complaints that I write too slow.
    ¤ Si vis pacem, para bellum. ¤
    Someone powerful says, "We're going to have to delete you."
    havenbanner2
  • ArbreArbre Arbrelina Jolie BraavosMember Posts: 2,094 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Erised made me think of Harry Potter.

    We were all thinking it.
    Emelle
  • IosyneIosyne the LairMember Posts: 529 Immortal
    Eleanor said:

    @Iosyne: I'm enjoying reading yours- I wonder, the one about burning, is that a character we know or something more abstract out of your head? In the most recent one, Rivalry, I like the story that's being told but I'm not sure that the part where the storyteller actually addresses herself really fits- it seems like more of a recount than a soul-search until that point.

    @Iosyne - The tense shift right at the start of Seeing Red feels a bit weird, but I like the scenery you've written about. I think I know what that 'effigy' is- I kind of wanted to see what you were going to do with that, so I hope you're planning to write more with that particular element in it!

    My tense and point of view switches are something I need to either get better at, or fix. Most of what I write is going to seem fairly abstract when it really isn't, because I don't want to give too many spoilers. Just insights, I guess? (for example, @Moirean would appreciate "Complicated" more than most, due to being in the Carnifex). I'm sort of using this as a way to give behind-the-curtain look at things already canon. But yes, you can consider everything written about as something that exists in Aetolia tangibly!
    image
    Moirean
  • ArbreArbre Arbrelina Jolie BraavosMember Posts: 2,094 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Eleanor said:
    @Arbre - I admit, I got a little smile from the casual inclusion of 'ripped groins out' in the list of things in Rivalry. I'm not sure if you were going for humour, but I think it was a good choice! I really liked 'Complicated'- it has this frank, straightforward tone to it that's very appealing. Making History is good, too, it's strongly constructed and gets its message across succinctly. I think that maybe Rivalry and Unbreakable kind of end too quickly, though- neither of them seem to conclude neatly, just cut off. Unbreakable especially, I think, would need more to be more understandable. I can see where you're going with both, but they need rounding off? Also, I think you accidentally a word in the last line of Unbreakable's third paragraph.
    I'm not a huge fan of Unbreakable, but I absolutely hate Rivalry.  I got so frustrated I just quit.  I originally thought of doing Roux, since it's more of a quiet, behind-the-scenes type of rivalry that no one sees or quite understands, but Xavin was the one I thought I could define the best.  It sucks so hard I might just go rewrite it.

    I'm stuck, right now, on Obsession.  Whereas some of them I had a hard time -finding- a topic, this one I'm having a hard time picking from a bunch of them.  I also haven't had a whole lot of time to write either, with vacation and school starting back and such.  So maybe I'll get something decent going on there when I get the time for it.
  • ArbreArbre Arbrelina Jolie BraavosMember Posts: 2,094 ✭✭✭✭✭
    @Moirean - I cracked up at Making History (which made me look like a lunatic in the school computer lab).  There is nothing but truth in that list even though it's presented as being humorous, and despite the fact that I know it's talking about Moirean, it's so applicable to myself, as well as others.
    MoireanHaven
  • MoireanMoirean Chairmander PortlandMember Posts: 5,612 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Iosyne said:
    Eleanor said:

    @Iosyne: I'm enjoying reading yours- I wonder, the one about burning, is that a character we know or something more abstract out of your head? In the most recent one, Rivalry, I like the story that's being told but I'm not sure that the part where the storyteller actually addresses herself really fits- it seems like more of a recount than a soul-search until that point.

    @Iosyne - The tense shift right at the start of Seeing Red feels a bit weird, but I like the scenery you've written about. I think I know what that 'effigy' is- I kind of wanted to see what you were going to do with that, so I hope you're planning to write more with that particular element in it!

    My tense and point of view switches are something I need to either get better at, or fix. Most of what I write is going to seem fairly abstract when it really isn't, because I don't want to give too many spoilers. Just insights, I guess? (for example, @Moirean would appreciate "Complicated" more than most, due to being in the Carnifex). I'm sort of using this as a way to give behind-the-curtain look at things already canon. But yes, you can consider everything written about as something that exists in Aetolia tangibly!
    I loved that one. I thought I had posted about that, but realized that I just intended to and forgot - anyways, I loved it. The glimpse behind the scenes was really awesome. I think you've set an ambitious task by exploring things from so many different angles, but I've really liked what I've read so far. 
  • TozToz Member Posts: 2,531 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Went ahead and threw up two posts, http://www.tumblr.com/blog/sertoz. Would love feedback - I'll disclaimer this by saying I'm not a writer. I'm good at cranking out papers an hour and a half before they are due (1.5 hours, 5 pages, today) but I never proof-read. I have a habit of scrapping everything and starting over - much as I hate my accent RL, so too do I hate my writing voice. So I wrote up two posts on the condition that I write until I ran out of things to say on the topic, then absolutely did not proofread at all, or edit them in any way - so have at them. I'll try to do more polished stuff from here on out, but I figured showing a baseline would be good.
    Moirean
  • MoireanMoirean Chairmander PortlandMember Posts: 5,612 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited April 2013
    If anyone wants an extra challenge, here are some extra ways teachers have used to get us trying new things, stylistically, in classes I've taken. Feel free to use any of them. Gonna try em all out, I think.

    - Change the tense
    - Change the viewpoint
    - Write only in 1 syllable words
    - Write in as many mutli-syllabic words as possible
    - Only use simple sentence structure - no compound sentences (literally no ifs, ands or buts)
    - Only use complex and compound sentences
    - Make the entire entry one, grammatically correct, sentence
    - Write an entry in the style of your favorite writer
    - Or! Write an entry in the style of another Aetolian here! Try to capture their voice.
    - Write up a response to the prompt as a detailed, snapshot breakdown of each of the 5 senses.
    - Experiment with format and how it can frame content: write an entry as a letter or series of letters, as a fictionalized essay or report, in a list, etc. 
    Post edited by Moirean on
  • TolemyTolemy Member Posts: 25 ✭✭✭
    edited April 2013
    Thanks so much, everyone. I'm still in the process of  trying to find my voice, so the feedback is really encouraging. It's challenging trying to get the depth and scope I desire, especially when writing these tiny little vignettes. Tolemy, especially, is the...broadest character I've ever tried to breathe life into. It makes writing these really intimidating. 

    @Moirean: The story is really similar to the sensibilities I'm trying for. Also, I'm planning to take a stab at some of those exercises you mentioned. P.S. Your sense of timing is golden. It serves your humor really well, and I just bet it serves serious pieces really well, too.

    @Eleanor: I'm stunned by the work you do - you have a way of embodying the mythologies and mechanics of Aetolia that really bring it to life (especially what you write about numerology). And, yes, the pieces I write are about my game character, Tolemy.

    @Emelle: Unreal. You do one of my favorite things that writers can do. You should us just the tip of the iceberg, and that's it. I can already tell that Emelle is a character with a lot of depth and reach, and it's lovely to get to see her, unraveled, layer by layer, the way you've been doing. For example, in your 'Shadows' piece: " Omei gave the Eyes to me before I transcended, so while I was a shadow it felt strange to see everything else but myself, to go unseen to others the way they had been to me before." It speaks really powerfully to the way that Emelle feels about the idea of sight and seeing, but it doesn't give it all away. Beautiful.

    @Haven: You don't need me to tell you what you're doing right or wrong. Just, please, keep doing it. I already have the sense that you're the kind of writer who can dance around things, and then suddenly punch the reader in the face. The last line of your first piece is intense. 
    image
    MoireanEmelleHavenErzsebet
  • RouxRoux Member Posts: 131 ✭✭✭
    I did as Moirean suggested and tried changing the viewpoint for 'Fork in the Road'. It feels different, but it was fun to write, as they all are turning out to be! Great suggestion, I may use more of those in the future between the 1st person themes.

    I really appreciate the critiques!


  • HavenHaven World Burner Flight SchoolMember Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭✭✭
    @Roux: I really enjoy reading your themes. They give an interesting insight to the character that I wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity to gleam without directly asking you about it. Game and Breakfast are by far my favorites so far. My one critique though has to do with the ending for Breakfast where you break the last message into two sentences "All of which started. With a stolen heart." or something. That kind of... warped the flow of the entire ending for me? Not sure how to explain it. It's kinda like you pulled the punch I guess and made it less oomph. I'd suggest just keeping things like that as one concrete sentence with no pause. >> That's just me though. Take it with a grain of salt.

    @Arbre: What is it that you're going for exactly? It might just be me waking up but your Rivalry passage came across more like a school essay/summary thing than anything else. I'll reread it later when I'm more awake and see if I get the same vibe. I normally love your writing though because it typically comes across crisp and straight to the point but with a hint of attitude. The attitude is kind of like Arbre's swagger/presence. I like it in your emotes but for some reason I didn't get it in some of your passages on tumblr.

    @Moirean: I really, really, reallllllyyyyy enjoy reading your writing. I think you're doing a great job with the delivery of humour and what have you in your posts. No real critiques yet though.

    @Tolemy: I'm glad you liked the ending to the introduction! Haha, I was really nervous about it because I felt so rushed by the end due to the time limit but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    I'll get to the others' critiques as I continue reading their posts throughout the day!
    ¤ Si vis pacem, para bellum. ¤
    Someone powerful says, "We're going to have to delete you."
    havenbanner2
    Moirean
  • MarienaMariena By a lake. Member Posts: 616 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited April 2013
    My tumblr. I'm open to critique, I suppose!  http://mariauvryeth.tumblr.com/
  • EmelleEmelle Dreamshaper Tecpatl's CradleMember Posts: 712 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited April 2013
    Oh god, okay, let me see if I can get everybody who I've been following so far. If I've left you out, it's not because I'm ignoring you, it's because I want to read more of your writing before I respond.

    @Eleanor: Yeah, Omei was(is??) extremely graphic, almost to the point of horror writing. It was really interesting to be on the other end of that (I have some gruesome logs!). I'm glad you liked 'A Moment in Time', and that it made sense -- I like to say things without saying them -- it's my favorite so far, too. I think the best word for 'Faith' is a reflection. If Emelle preached (she doesn't often), I'm sure she would draw on some of those ideas.

    I really enjoy reading your writing (plz2b updating again soon). Your style is straightforward and simple, but at the same time you manage to convey a lot of description and meaning with the words you choose. I don't really have any true criticism; if anything, I'd love to see you try a different perspective sometime!

    @Iosyne: It's fascinating to get a glimpse of some of the lore informing the way you write Iosyne and Her coterie, especially given the multitude of perspectives you present. My one criticism would be to work out that issue you're having with tenses. It has the potential to interrupt your flow, which really robs your writing of a power it has inherently. Tense seems to be a difficult thing for people to work out, but once you get in the habit of reading for it and making it one of the things you think about when you conceptualize an idea, it seems to become a lot easier.

    @Lin: As a couple of others have pointed out, the apparent disconnect between your entries at this point is making them a little hard to follow -- I want to be more invested, but I think it's going to take some time, and that's a shortcoming of this medium. In a book, I could read ahead to a point where things make sense and then have a moment of OMGIGETITNOWASD;OIFJ, but because it's a tumblr and your entries are staggered, we're all just lying in wait for that moment to happen. I still love reading your writing, though.

    @Haven: You have such an evocative way of describing things; it really brings scenes to life in my mind. The verbs and adjectives you use are so powerful: a whip, the wind, or someone's tone of voice can all bite, and you manage those choices really effectively most of the time. A suggestion I'd make to you is to try, at times, to simplify your writing. I think balancing simplicity against your gift for metaphoric writing could give you more power stylistically.

    @Moirean: Your comedic timing is wonderful. The way you poke fun at Moirean as a character is so clever and engaging -- her impishness completely comes through in your writing! You also have a great sense of writing style, which makes sense, as I know you've done some professional writing. I'm really looking forward to the day you post an entry that's completely heavy and serious. I've seen some of that style in a few of your RP logs, and it's always so effective because you have a trademark levity.

    @Roux: Some of your themes have really grabbed me, 'Innocence' and 'Breakfast' in particular. I love the way you give small teasers of Roux's backstory without giving everything away -- it really leaves me curious and almost desperate to follow each of those threads to their conclusions. You also have a real talent for description ("the wood of the bow like satin beneath my hand" comes to my mind) that brings your scenes to life. I want to echo what Haven said in his critique; in general, try to be more mindful of your style. I don't think there's anything wrong with pushing grammatical constraints (I do this all the time), but be careful of taking them too far. Breaking up that sentence at the end of 'Breakfast' brought the entire thing to a screeching halt when I read it. Also be careful of tense; your most recent entry has an odd shift in the beginning that left me wishing the entire thing had been written in the past tense.
  • HavenHaven World Burner Flight SchoolMember Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Emelle said:
    @Haven: You have such an evocative way of describing things; it really brings scenes to life in my mind. The verbs and adjectives you use are so powerful: a whip, the wind, or someone's tone of voice can all bite, and you manage those choices really effectively most of the time. A suggestion I'd make to you is to try, at times, to simplify your writing. I think balancing simplicity against your gift for metaphoric writing could give you more power stylistically.
    @Emelle: I'm not sure what you mean. Care to elaborate more please?
    ¤ Si vis pacem, para bellum. ¤
    Someone powerful says, "We're going to have to delete you."
    havenbanner2
  • RouxRoux Member Posts: 131 ✭✭✭

    Emelle said:


    @Roux: Some of your themes have really grabbed me, 'Innocence' and 'Breakfast' in particular. I love the way you give small teasers of Roux's backstory without giving everything away -- it really leaves me curious and almost desperate to follow each of those threads to their conclusions. You also have a real talent for description ("the wood of the bow like satin beneath my hand" comes to my mind) that brings your scenes to life. I want to echo what Haven said in his critique; in general, try to be more mindful of your style. I don't think there's anything wrong with pushing grammatical constraints (I do this all the time), but be careful of taking them too far. Breaking up that sentence at the end of 'Breakfast' brought the entire thing to a screeching halt when I read it. Also be careful of tense; your most recent entry has an odd shift in the beginning that left me wishing the entire thing had been written in the past tense.

    That one in particular gave me trouble, because I started writing it and switched half way through to a different tense for some reason. I switched all the tenses -twice- when I caught it and it still seems I missed some of the awkwardness that caused in the entire thing. Ah well, on to the next as they say :D Thanks for the comment!
  • EmelleEmelle Dreamshaper Tecpatl's CradleMember Posts: 712 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited April 2013
    Haven said:
    Emelle said:
    @Haven: You have such an evocative way of describing things; it really brings scenes to life in my mind. The verbs and adjectives you use are so powerful: a whip, the wind, or someone's tone of voice can all bite, and you manage those choices really effectively most of the time. A suggestion I'd make to you is to try, at times, to simplify your writing. I think balancing simplicity against your gift for metaphoric writing could give you more power stylistically.
    @Emelle: I'm not sure what you mean. Care to elaborate more please?
    Of course, you've asked me to do that and now I'm having trouble articulating it. I'll try to show you what I mean with an example:

    "Eventually the burden of the lash became a burning arc up his arm and the father too became exhausted and ceased to continue. His chest heaving from the effort, he swung his dark eyes away from the girl and descended his attentions on Haven like a ravenous horde."

    The parts I've italicized are words that, to me, don't seem to add enough to these passages to warrant their extent. Why not say, "Eventually the burning burden of the lash exhausted the father and he ceased to continue. His chest heaving from the effort, he swung his dark eyes away from the girl, his attention ravenously descending on Haven" or something similar? It becomes a difficult problem -- sometimes metaphor/simile is extremely effective, other times less so, and when used too liberally it can become exhausting to read. Obviously there are no cut and dry rules, so it's really a question of preference in the end, which brings me to my next point: I am a writer and reader who really favors simplicity, so keep that in mind when reading my criticism, because it absolutely colors my view.
    Post edited by Emelle on
    Haven
Sign In or Register to comment.