A conversation with Sister Nesventesh.

Sarkis · June 2014

[After chatting on the Guild Talk channel for a bit, Sister Nesventesh mentioned she was doing better from the previous day and I asked her what had happened while Sarkis was away. This is the response I got, which led to what I thought was a pretty deep conversation. I may have adjusted a few typos of mine as I'd not slept the previous night, which tends to ruin my spelling and grammar.]

Nesventesh tells you, "A long story short - I found out I can push my mind to achieve awe-inspiring telepathic results. I am sure you are aware of the theory - long-term burn for short-term sacrifice. I've been using it to try and scare Bloodloch. It's been causing some very nasty headaches. I've been drinking to deal with them."

You tell Nesventesh, "Sister, that's a dangerous thing to do. I would urge you to not utilize alcohol. I'm sure some willow-tincture or other remedy might treat the headaches more safely."

Nesventesh tells you, "Of course. The telepathy is irresponsible too, I know. I shouldn't be damaging my brain."

You tell Nesventesh, "We need you in prime shape. I understand your desire to disrupt them as much as possible, but we need you to be mentally and physically sound when the time comes for the plan to go into action."

Nesventesh tells you, "I've been resting. Goldenseal. Lobelia. Ash. Mana elixir. Is there anything else I should be doing while I wait?"

You tell Nesventesh, "I would practice meditation and also seeing if anyone is willing to practice mind links and locks, and transferring power to you, so you're more comfortable with receiving the energy from an outside source."

Nesventesh tells you, "I will do that. I know a lot of the Brothers and Sisters look down on your methods, but I will find a partner to help me. Maybe multiple - switching link is probably going to be vital when we perform the actual move."

You tell Nesventesh, "Aye. And they only look down on them because they are not dynamic enough [yet] to grasp their actual utility. Several members, even a few of the senior leadership, are relatively new to the Sentaari's teachings and the finer points of self-improvement under our philosophy. They still (generally) try to do their best, which is all anyone can ask."

Nesventesh tells you, "That's true. ...I have another question, Brother."

You tell Nesventesh, "Of course, Sister! I'm here to serve."

Nesventesh tells you, "How do you keep your head in a fight, Brother? When everything is wild, and you can just burn yourself up killing them."

You tell Nesventesh, "Ah...that's a very pertinent question. A very long time ago, I was...well. An incredibly angry and violent person. I was very likely to lose myself to...just about any whim I felt. It took years, after becoming a monk, to reach a point where I was able to master such powerful emotions and instincts to the point where they no longer overwhelmed me. It comes down to a few factors, I've learned. One is practice. The more you practice centering yourself, in combat, or under stress, or just by simple resting meditation, you will be able to do so more readily in the future. It also helps to have a goal, purpose, or principle in mind for why you are doing what you're doing. And above all else, you must remember that regardless of what you are -feeling- right at that moment, you always have a choice. A choice to look past the emotions and see what a thing is, in and of itself. The final one can be tricky, but the other two help sort of...build up to that point. It focuses the mind, and clears the thoughts. It gives you a relief from the stress that your lower mind, your immediate emotions and instincts, might cloud in you."

You tell Nesventesh, "Sorry, I know...you have a lot on your plate right now, Sister. I personally think you can do it, though. You have all of the Sentaari to support you and we all look up to your determination and courage. I hope you can draw strength from that, even though the path you're walking is going to feel...very lonely."

Nesventesh tells you, "I'm just... thinking about what you said, Brother. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be impolite. I'm just thinking about that place you're describing. How to get there. How to let go of that anger. It'll kill me if I take it into battle with me."

You tell Nesventesh, "You're very much right. Look, I'm not saying rid yourself of emotion. Emotions exist for a reason. They're indicators, warning signs, messages from our lower mind, instincts and feelings that our upper mind may not understand without emotions. But there's a difference between -feeling- angry and being controlled by that anger. You need to acknowledge why you feel angry, understand it, then move beyond the anger and into what you can do. Your anger is valid, but you're right, it will consume and destroy you if you do not come to an understanding of what it really is."

Nesventesh tells you, "It's a beast. A hungry beast. The hunger isn't wrong. The beast might be."

You tell Nesventesh, "Perhaps it isn't even hunger. That's the thing about emotions. They can sometimes hide as a different one altogether."

Nesventesh tells you, "How would you put it, Brother...?"

You tell Nesventesh, "Put which, exactly, Sister?"

Nesventesh tells you, "You said you used to be angry, violent, given to whims. How did that feel to you? What words would you give to it, Brother? I know that's a very personal question."

You tell Nesventesh, "It is and was an ember of absolute, unrestrained wrath. I was angry at and hated everything. The smiles people had, the kindness they showed one another, their pity, their sadness, their petty fights. More than anything, it's because I hated myself. My inability at the time to feel connected to any of them. The sensation that I was an outsider and not privy to such things. It quite literally drove me mad and incandescent with homicidal fury. It was a fire that would have burned and destroyed anything it touched. But especially, it was one that wanted to see myself reduced to the nothingness I dreaded I was to other people."

Nesventesh tells you, "I... understand that. I understand that very deeply, Brother."

You tell Nesventesh, "For you...if I may be so forward as to tout an observation, is that... your people have been enslaved, abused, neglected, and cowed by a truly brutal, cruel, and unmerciful force for generation upon generation. You undoubtedly despise and hate them for what they've done. But I think you also hate and despise [them] for what they have done to you and your people, the feeling of inferiority, of worthlessness and at your darkest moments, you must hear your people and even yourself ask in the shadows, "What if we really are only cattle?" and your mind rebels so hard at the thought you are filled with a similar fury."

Nesventesh tells you, "..." The silence rings out on her end. She says nothing, for a long moment, but strong emotion radiates toward you. "...How did you know that."

You tell Nesventesh, " Because I understand people, Sister. I have been [both] an oppressor and the oppressed. I've lived for three hundred years and made my primary study that of other people. I observe. I listen, not only to the words said, but the words you're not saying. The ones that echo in my own heart must be similar to those that echo in the dark places of all hearts. It is what scares us most, but also links all people. And it is the most difficult thing of all to face. What I learned, what was the turning point for me, was when I was a young man still. I was about to go to the floating isle for adventurers, but...I was [filled] with fury and grief over the monster and the beast I'd become. I was prepared to kill myself, when I met a monk in a forest clearing. He came upon me silently and I [only] noticed when he put a hand on my shoulder. And he said, "You are not alone. You are only lost, Brother. There is another way. A way to greater things than the horror of your life. All things are in balance, Brother. And for the evil you have committed, you are equally gifted with the ability to bring as much, if not more, good and joy to the world. I ask you then, will you?" and I broke. I was unmade and his words presented me with the choice to return to the former image of myself...or become a man capable of changing for the better."

Nesventesh tells you, "...I hear you."

You tell Nesventesh, "I was a very, very young man then. But I've spent my entire life since I was 18 to bring what I learned to others. But the message I bring. It is...huge. It is difficult and painful to face. It's why I employ so much humor, people can generally only take the medicine with a bit of syrup, eh? Most do not ever notice how subtly I present them the hardest and most serious thoughts most people will ever face with a smile. Which is just as well. I might scare some of them otherwise. Sister, you walk a path parallel to mine. It does vary and it does differ in it's own way. But I think we both understand that we seek to free the people we care for from the shackles of their own creation."

Nesventesh tells you, "You do... very brave work, Brother, and you do it in a way that works. I call it brave because it takes bravery to look right at people like you do, know they might fail, and trust them anyway."

[At this point, all my feels, everywhere. AND THEN SHE GOT HERSELF CAUGHT BY BLOODLOCH. It was nice though, that there was an NPC who didn't just automatically discard Sarkis' eccentricities as being merely shallow or stupid. Of course, they had to take her away, but I thoroughly enjoyed this and the other interactions I had with the character and I hope they have more in the future where a character is played out in that manner, rather than seeming to be a sock puppet.]