MAD 2: MADDEN'S MADDENING.

Erzsebet · October 2017

@Axius and @Sessizlik --and anyone else who feels the need to apologize about venting/ranting here....one of the things this community has always been super good and awesome about is being there for each other, so if you need to rant or vent, feel free to rant or vent. It's what this thread is for. You don't need to feel like an apology is necessary.

Stress of all flavours, (-especially- money stress) is extremely hard to cope with. If it at all helps to vent, we can at least help with providing a listening ear and offering internet hugs.

My rant of the day, is less in comparison. But my employer is an idiot. We're no longer allowed to use the front door. 'Because some people ruined it for everyone'. -.-

Rhyot · October 2017

That's when you just put a sign on the front door that says

AND THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!

Eowyn · October 2017

My sister has, yet again and just like with everything else that had to do with my mom, backpedaled on helping me pack up the glass today. At least, once the estate is done, I've made the decision that I don't need her negative, selfish, and backwards excuses anymore and can just be done trying.

Erzsebet · October 2017

So...no word on the front door thing. No one's said anything to me about using it or any of the people I know who use it. So...maybe the stupid vanished into the wind? Or maybe it just mutated into stupider stupid. -.-

They're now throwing hissy fits about ACW. I work in a call center. And usually you can document while they're on the phone. You just hold the information they want hostage while you document what you're -going- to tell them, tell them, and then get them off of your phone. In some cases, a member will hang up, or have an issue that is complicated enough it takes more time than that to document, and that's when you're supposed to use ACW. But we also have compliance (complaints, and coverage determinations) we're supposed to submit at 5% and 3% of our calls respectively. As an example, I had 22 of these compliance submissions on my last call of the night tonight, and it took me literally an hour to document them all and do the documentation for the actual call. I could not have done them on the phone. And they were harassing me about ACW ALL day long. And so I kept going into Project instead. They're telling us that they're going to take away ACW entirely. They were not happy when I told them that if they did I would put myself in project or coaching whenever the hell I had documentation to finish. ACW exists for a reason, don't get rid of ACW, get rid of the people sitting in ACW socializing because they don't want to go back into ready.

Just. Grrrrrr.

And Open Enrollment starts tomorrow. Wish me luck on retaining my sanity guys.

Erzsebet · October 2017

So...no word on the front door thing. No one's said anything to me about using it or any of the people I know who use it. So...maybe the stupid vanished into the wind? Or maybe it just mutated into stupider stupid. -.-

They're now throwing hissy fits about ACW. I work in a call center. And usually you can document while they're on the phone. You just hold the information they want hostage while you document what you're -going- to tell them, tell them, and then get them off of your phone. In some cases, a member will hang up, or have an issue that is complicated enough it takes more time than that to document, and that's when you're supposed to use ACW. But we also have compliance (complaints, and coverage determinations) we're supposed to submit at 5% and 3% of our calls respectively. As an example, I had 22 of these compliance submissions on my last call of the night tonight, and it took me literally an hour to document them all and do the documentation for the actual call. I could not have done them on the phone. And they were harassing me about ACW ALL day long. And so I kept going into Project instead. They're telling us that they're going to take away ACW entirely. They were not happy when I told them that if they did I would put myself in project or coaching whenever the hell I had documentation to finish. ACW exists for a reason, don't get rid of ACW, get rid of the people sitting in ACW socializing because they don't want to go back into ready.

Just. Grrrrrr.

And Open Enrollment starts tomorrow. Wish me luck on retaining my sanity guys.

Nola · October 2017

I've been doing a fitness challenge alongside my friend (who is doing something different, but for the same time length of 6 weeks). I've really tried to be dedicated to it, I'm Midway through my second week.

Starting last week I was having trouble falling asleep, and not in typical insomniac fashion (I'm actually more of a narcoleptic in some ways than an insomniac). The first time I woke up feeling like something was wrong, and that suddenly climbed into a panic attack. I have a lot of body anxiety already - I'm always really nervous about my heart. I can't go to concerts with loud base, for example, because the vibrations trigger it, and I have to stay away from stimulants because I'm really aware. Some of these things had actually started becoming manageable lately because I was focused on assuring myself it was just my nerves, that I was fine. But after that first panic attack, sleeping is an issue. I have a hard time getting to sleep - I've had a bout of vertigo wake me up as I was falling asleep, a sudden stroke of panic out of nowhere, and the feeling like I wasn't/couldn't breathe waking me up. When I do get to sleep, I have a really really hard time waking up. I'm always tired, I always feel like I could sleep more.

Then a few days ago, I started just yawning out of nowhere, but I wasn't tired. It was excessive, like I wasn't able to catch my breath or breathe fully.

It happened again today while I had just finished a cardio set, and then along with it was my anxiety. I tried to finish, but a feeling in my chest stopped me, and I suddenly felt really unwell and had to sit. So for the first time since highschool I have a primary care doctor appointment tomorrow, because it's interrupting my life.

Friends have said to me, and all seem to be going with this same idea, that it's linked to depression and I'm just not aware of it. I know it's not, though it is linked with my anxiety, but these things are not normal for even the common symptoms I have with my anxiety, and it's not something I can control. I'm so frustrated.. I've been putting my best effort forward and then this happens.

Arbre · October 2017

The short version is that I have rheumatoid arthritis and it HATES me.

I've been on Enbrel for it for a couple years with minimal problems, but lately I've been flaring up, so we decided to switch medications. A flare up herein described as a random joint swelling to the point that it is constantly hurting and restricts movement like whoa. Having one every now and again is life with RA; occasionally I'll have to make an emergency appointment with my rheumatologist and he'll give me a shot in the joint (not comfortable) and within a few hours the pain will start subsiding. However, I've been having to go to the doctor almost weekly so, like I said, we decided to switch medications. Which means I had to be off the Enbrel for a few weeks.

I have never been in so much constant pain in my life. A good day has me aching all over and stiff and sore to move. Right now, my fingers are swollen and both shoulders are in the process of stoving up.

So when can I start the new medication? WHO KNOWS?! My insurance company approved but didn't approve (???) the prior authorization I need to get it, and the pharmacy was kind enough to NOT tell me until -I- called -them- with a wtf call. I've been between the pharmacy (it's a mail-order thing) and my doctor, trying to get ONE of them to kick the insurance in the teeth and get the proper prior authorization. I'm calling again in the morning about it. In the meantime, it's 4am and I can't sleep because I hurt so much and the hydrocodone is barely knocking the edge off.

tl;dr unicorns my body

Mykellah · October 2017

Prefacing this with "I am not a MD" - your sympthoms sound very similar to problems I had a bit ago. It's probably worth seeing a doctor. In my case, I had a clot in a major artery that was making my heart have to work overly hard, which meant things that taxed it all the more like cardio made me feel really unwell, and I had a hard time falling asleep because my body was generally having to work too hard to keep circulation going for me to be able to properly rest.

Erzsebet · October 2017

Warning: This somewhat rambling rant became excessively depressive, excessively quickly.

Excessively anxious. They're supposed to tell us if we got the Supervisor positions tomorrow. But tomorrow is my off day. Not sure if they're going to call or if I just have to wait to find out or what. /flail.

On the upside, there are six positions open. On the downside, when I applied it was just me, two of my friends and one other person applying--looks like 13 people actually ended up applying by the deadline. And I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm screwed because I literally cannot do mornings on a consistent basis due to anxiety/stress/insomnia reasons. 'Hey, can you cover me for a few days', sure, but not consistently.

I mean. If they gave me a -starting- shift, *maybe* I could do it? And just. Sleep from 2:00 when I got home, 'til 8ish at night?

These are the thoughts my brain won't shut up with, and I'm suddenly wishing I'd come to this conclusion prior to telling them mornings would literally kill me. Because at the time, I was pretty convinced they would. But I haven't -tried- to flip my schedule in a while, and that's only a couple hours off from what I default to anyway...left to my own devices with no responsibilities, I sleep from like 10-12:00 to about 3-5:00 or so.

Dunno. Second guessing myself at this point. On pretty much everything. Not sure I can even do the job. I mean. I do large swathes of it anyway. But maybe there are parts I'm missing. I feel like there's less stress and things to trigger -my- anxieties as a sup, but maybe not. Maybe it's worse and I won't be able to handle it. I'm having a hard enough time coping as an Advocate, what the hell do I do if I DO get it and I can't deal with it.

And my anxiety's been riled up all week. Though. At least I've successfully gone to work every day this week I was scheduled. Including my mandatory OT. So if nothing else, I can make rent and keep internet and doctor and drugs and maybe even eat a non-ramen non-pasta food once or twice this pay period.

...I hate that this is the measure I use to determine how broke I am.

Wish the anxiety would chill out so I could go to sleep. I've been stupid tired ALL day, and suddenly it's 12, 1, 2, 3, 4 AM and I can't get to sleep for anything. Don't want to have to drug myself to get to sleep.

Hate being so broken.

Hate that life is so damned difficult. Hate feeling that it shouldn't be this hard--that it -isn't- this hard, that I just suck so bad at it, I just think it does. That if I were normal or ordinary, I'd be able to handle my life, which realistically--objectively, isn't that much more difficult than other people, who manage to be perfectly functioning adults. I hate feeling that if I could sacrifice everything that makes me me, I'd be able to handle the world. I hate feeling like the world would be better off without me. I hate having to take medications to even have a chance at functioning normally. I hate that I only feel 'normal' once or twice a month at most. The rest of the time I'm either manic as hell because I'm over-medicated, or excessively depressed because the medication isn't working as well as I need it to. I hate needing to switch from the meds I'm on, because at least this one isn't keeping me in an I-can't-work-at-all coma, and if I DO get this sup position, I can't afford to call out a lot due to a med switch. If I don't, I'm still running out of FMLA days for the year. I hate living in constant stress under conditions I used to be able to handle just fine. I hate not knowing the WHY of why I'm suddenly incapable of dealing with anything without becoming a ridiculous mess.
I'm so tired of dealing with all of it. Don't want to alarm any of you guys. For absolute clarity on this, I'm not suicidal or anything like that, so don't worry, I'm just. Overwhelmed. Which in itself makes me feel absolutely useless. Helpless. I really hate feeling this way.

On the upside, writing this made me start crying, which, while a very minor upside, does come with the benefit of being somewhat numbing, so maybe I can sleep now. And knowing that at least a few of you who will read this do actually care, at least a little bit, helps.

Runas · October 2017

@Erzsebet - I just had to truck through almost a month of waiting to hear back and background checks and anxiety for my new job.

I totally understand how you are feeling, and I recently switched off of some of my antidepressants and anxiety meds to new ones so September was a rollercoaster of emotions and stress...anxieties and overall crying at things. I literally spent a day watching youtube videos of animals seeing their owners who have been overseas in the military and cried like a baby all day.

Do your best to keep your chin up, whilst we aren't inherently "close" in aetolia, I have seen your drive and passion throughout the years and know anyone would be a fool not to hire you right up and give you an awesome opportunity. I know its easier said than done, but you got this.

Get some good tea, find some chill music...get in relax zone the best you can. (Again I know, easier said than done)

Erzsebet · October 2017

Update: I bought raspberries to celebrate having a little bit of breathing room, money-wise. It really is the little things. Also stocked up on pasta and ramen for times when it's not so easy to breathe.

Now I'm all curled up with a Disney movie and some fluffy warm blankets, hot cocoa and the crocodile @Reux gave me.

Am much calmer, currently.

Mariena · October 2017

I am very sick. I have doxycycline and an inhaler because of being very sick. Where is my very sick self? At work. v.v head hurts so bad. I just wanna go home.

Alevi · November 2017

I've been doing overtime since June and my work's like, "The holidays are just around the corner, and that means this is an EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY for extra hours! Mandatory overtime this weekend."

Like we haven't been doing this for the past four months. I haven't had a day off. How about mandatory time off instead? Good god I want my weekend.

Tekias · November 2017

^^^^

That, right there, is why I made sure that when I put in my 'what days/time I'm available to work', I set Wednesday (originally Saturday, but was denied that one. Retail, weekends, etc) so I'd have at least one day off a week, and they'd have to talk to me first to override that for any exceptions.

Alevi · November 2017

Tekias said:
^^^^

That, right there, is why I made sure that when I put in my 'what days/time I'm available to work', I set Wednesday (originally Saturday, but was denied that one. Retail, weekends, etc) so I'd have at least one day off a week, and they'd have to talk to me first to override that for any exceptions.

Sadly, I didn't get the option. I'm working data entry. It's rough pumping out one license plate number every two seconds for ten straight hours, every single day for five months without a day off.

And then I come home and log in to a MUD lol RIP fingers.

Rhyot · November 2017

Tekias said:
^^^^

That, right there, is why I made sure that when I put in my 'what days/time I'm available to work', I set Wednesday (originally Saturday, but was denied that one. Retail, weekends, etc) so I'd have at least one day off a week, and they'd have to talk to me first to override that for any exceptions.

Doing this is a gamble. Back when I would interview people for positions, if they were demanding any particular day off... I would write on their application, "Questionable". More times than not, this would lead to you NOT getting the job. The idea of going for a job is to get the job, not make demands of your would-be employer for time off. It's like biting the hand that feeds you.

Tekias · November 2017

Fair enough. Two details I left out: I did this after I'd been there a few months (showing that I'd be able to work otherwise). And I did this after I'd made it known that I was living at home with a mother who had health issues, so the steady time home to be with her would be beneficial. It also helps that the particular job I have is accommodating to both full-time and part-time. Presently, I'm straddling that particular line.

Erzsebet · November 2017

My step-dad is in the hospital with congestive heart failure stage one and kidney failure. They’re not sure why the kidney failure yet, but they think it’s causing the CHF. He’s having REALLY high blood pressure because of everything. They’re going to do a biopsy tomorrow to see what that tells them. They said he may have to do dialysis in the future.

We've never been super close--he's kind've a childish ass a lot of the time and we clashed a lot when I was a teenager, but he's family and I love him, and my mother is going to be devastated if he passes.

Was already depressed to an excessive degree--have been for the past three or four days for no apparent reason, and then I got this news and it made it worse somehow. And on top of it I feel guilty for not being as close to him as I am with my other dads.

Am drowning in an anxiety-depression spiral at the moment, so if I'm scarce for the next few days, that's probably where I am.

Phoenecia · November 2017

A few days ago, my husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary, and we had planned on taking a little vacation for a few days. Unfortunately, we had to cut our vacation short. My husband woke me up really early in the morning and had severe breathing problems - enough that he couldn't really move - and asked me to take him to the hospital.

He hates hospitals, and would never ask me to take him to one unless it was something potentially life-threatening.

So. We spend several hours in the hospital having tests done, he hasn't slept or eaten in roughly 24 hours and neither have I, and after all that they're not able to find anything conclusive on what might be wrong, so they schedule more tests. Over the next three weeks, he has to go back to the hospital several times. He's stressed out. I'm stressed out. His breathing problems still haven't been resolved, and I've spent the last few nights staying awake or waking up periodically just to make sure my husband is breathing okay.

All of this on top of my own medical crap that I need to get done.

Didi · November 2017

much love and hugs

Sessizlik · November 2017

So.. I got fired today. No warning or anything. Just, "Yeah, economics are bad, you have to go." They are keeping the guy who doesn't know the job, messes up the cash register and doesn't know how to deal with customers, because according to the law, it's last in, last out, and that's me. And then there's my other coworker, who's really shy and withdrawn and she just seemed resigned and said, "I'm gonna quit, I can't do this without you."

Edited out some drunk rambling.

Phoenecia · November 2017

This isn't a mad or anything, but more of an 'oh god what have I gotten myself into'.

My younger sister asked me to read and critique some stuff for her creative writing class, which actually prompted me to start writing again too. I asked her to just share her finished stuff with me on Google docs and I'd review them when I found the time.

I checked this morning and I'm suddenly kind of wondering whether or not I should be reading her stuff. The writing prompts from her class are simple and innocent enough. Some of the prompts instruct to write from a personal experience, etc.

My sister's writing? It's great. The first few pieces I read were fine. The new stuff that was written recently? I can't help but feel like I'm reading a diary, and it both worries and disturbs me with some of the stuff that's been written about, mostly because some of the personal experiences she's written about are things I've been involved in or teased her about, and I can't help but wonder if the thoughts in the writing pieces are stuff she's bottled up and never told me, or just fictionalizing and exaggerating stuff that's happened. It's hard to tell.

Now I can't help but wonder if she really did resent me and my brother. Or in particular, hated me.

I don't know if it's something I should confront her about. Or if it's worth confronting her about.

Alevi · November 2017

Ugh, I've got even more overtime to do now, and even less time to put in to Aetolia stuff than I did before. Full seven day work week until further notice, going to be pulling at least eighty hour weeks. RIP me. RIP the progress on my characters.

At least I'm getting cash money, but by God, there's no point to it if I don't get to live too.

Ishin · November 2017

@Phoenecia Probably a safe bet if she's asking you to read it that she doesn't hate or resent you.

Axius · November 2017

Less a mad, more a sad, and some notation of something that frustrates me..

These last few days, I've been sinking into depression for various reasons I can identify, and a few I'm pretty sure I've not yet..well, as of last night, I've lowered to a 2 and am sinking further. I've already taken steps towards ensuring I can't do something stupid, but it's starting to become a threat if I sink any lower, and I'm on a downward spiral that I'm not sure how to course-correct and pull out of at this point, all I can do is keep my hands and feet inside the ride and hope some sort of updraft comes along and helps pull me out of this before I hit 1, or worse, 0. I've made sure to lock away all of my tools, and put the keys out of my reach to keep myself from doing anything stupid or dangerous.

But my frustration comes now from those who.. don't know how to help me, those that can see me depressed quite visibly somehow, have confirmed my depression, and have seen me sinking ever deeper, and their habit of just trying to -give- me things. I don't want things.. things won't make me happy.. I'm not a crying toddler who only feels better after you give them something.. I'm sorry, I know you don't know how else to help me, and you're afraid of me being stupid and doing something stupid, but if there are things I want and crave that won't make me feel worse for receiving them while I'm depressed because I received them for BEING depressed, they would be probably hugs on occasion.. and I'm not a huggy person. I'm just.. feeling isolated with my own thoughts and like I'm halfway abandoned to myself at times. My brain struggles with the desire to just withdraw, find a place to curl up, and pretend I don't exist for a while, until I can get myself back together.. and a latent craving for companionship and company (in a platonic sense) that makes things hard, because I'm not very good at dealing with new people, and it always feels like the few I can handle are too far away to be able to even see me drowning, and those who are close are too prickly themselves to help me, and cause me to prickle in return..

I'm sorry for posting so much, just.. not feeling like I'm going to keep myself from doing something stupid without telling someone.. and maybe writing this note for a little boat set drifting across the seas of darkness might reach someone in my head that will help me make things better in my brain.

Alevi · November 2017

Axius said:
Less a mad, more a sad, and some notation of something that frustrates me..

These last few days, I've been sinking into depression for various reasons I can identify, and a few I'm pretty sure I've not yet..well, as of last night, I've lowered to a 2 and am sinking further. I've already taken steps towards ensuring I can't do something stupid, but it's starting to become a threat if I sink any lower, and I'm on a downward spiral that I'm not sure how to course-correct and pull out of at this point, all I can do is keep my hands and feet inside the ride and hope some sort of updraft comes along and helps pull me out of this before I hit 1, or worse, 0. I've made sure to lock away all of my tools, and put the keys out of my reach to keep myself from doing anything stupid or dangerous.

But my frustration comes now from those who.. don't know how to help me, those that can see me depressed quite visibly somehow, have confirmed my depression, and have seen me sinking ever deeper, and their habit of just trying to -give- me things. I don't want things.. things won't make me happy.. I'm not a crying toddler who only feels better after you give them something.. I'm sorry, I know you don't know how else to help me, and you're afraid of me being stupid and doing something stupid, but if there are things I want and crave that won't make me feel worse for receiving them while I'm depressed because I received them for BEING depressed, they would be probably hugs on occasion.. and I'm not a huggy person. I'm just.. feeling isolated with my own thoughts and like I'm halfway abandoned to myself at times. My brain struggles with the desire to just withdraw, find a place to curl up, and pretend I don't exist for a while, until I can get myself back together.. and a latent craving for companionship and company (in a platonic sense) that makes things hard, because I'm not very good at dealing with new people, and it always feels like the few I can handle are too far away to be able to even see me drowning, and those who are close are too prickly themselves to help me, and cause me to prickle in return..

I'm sorry for posting so much, just.. not feeling like I'm going to keep myself from doing something stupid without telling someone.. and maybe writing this note for a little boat set drifting across the seas of darkness might reach someone in my head that will help me make things better in my brain.

I know how you feel brotato chip. I don't know what I could say to give you a pick-me-up, since I don't know how to deal with my own depression let alone someone else's and words tend to not be the fixing thing, but I'm right there with you.

Zaila · November 2017

An extremely minor frustration, but!

I have a crappy neck/upper back, I don't know why or how, but it sucks. So, if I don't get regular chiropractic work, then it will get thrown out by things like, "I was putting my pants on," or, "I looked to the left," most recently, the straw that threw it out was, "I almost missed a step on the stairs and caught myself on the railing."

My frustration isn't so much the pain and inconvenience of having my neck out as it is with my healthcare's inability to adequately treat it. I have mentioned it to my doctors before, but have essentially gotten that distrustful stare of "you're just trying to get pain meds out of me" even though I explicitly state that I don't want medication. Furthermore, the way the company works is that I have to see my "primary care" doctor first - even though he can't do anything about it and I don't know him any better than any other random doctor - who I have to wait a week to go see and pay 35$ just to be told "alright, I will give you a referral to a specialist" and most specialists take 2-4 weeks to get into an appointment with. Then I get to pay another, higher copay and hope this specialist is the right variety or I will get to redo the whole process. All the while doing my best to fix my neck myself so that I am not in constant pain that wakes me up at night - but if I fix it TOO well, my symptoms will be gone by the time I get to the doctor in 3-5 weeks and they'll just write me off as a pill junkie and throw a prescription for motrin at me and tell me to make another appointment if the pain comes back.

Long story short, I am glad I live in a state with legal weed so I can at least sleep through the night on the weekends, because ibuprofen and acetaminophen only go so far.

Phoenecia · November 2017

So. Update on the thing going on with my sister and her 'writing assignments'. I talked to her. She was utterly mortified about me reading some of the more personal writing pieces. Like. Intimately personal. As in, knowing exactly when she started doing what with her boyfriend kind of personal. Yeah...

I told her rather bluntly that if it was something she didn't feel comfortable letting me read, then it was probably something that she shouldn't be handing in to be graded.

I also told her that she was going about her writing assignments the wrong way. It's a creative writing class. The writing prompts are to kickstart ideas, and if she was going to write from personal experiences and feelings, she could have used that as a theme or focal point of her writing pieces instead of using them as a diary or therapy, and kind of cheapening and exploiting the experiences of the other people that were involved in some of the stuff she wrote about. Like me, my brother, my parents divorce/remarriage.

It also frustrates me that she seems to think of herself (at least, that's what the tone of her writing seems to imply) as the pure, never-do-wrong princess while I and my brother got characterized as rebellious teenagers that caused problems in the family for no reason.

She tells me she harbors no resentment towards me. I kind of feel like that's a big fat lie.

Erzsebet · November 2017

There were lay-offs at my job yesterday. Was my scheduled off-day. They're not running it on stats which is what usually saves me. I'm not quite freaking out about the fact that I could lose the job. I'll be eligible for unemployment to help me get to another job and it might be better for me long run because this job is extremely high stress and also because in the interim I'd be eligible for medicaid, so I could fix some of my medical / mental health issues that I can't even begin to touch now because my insurance is such shit.

It is absolutely nerve-wracking to not know if I'm going to work today in an office that is now down 30 people and therefore busy as hell, or if I'm going to work today to just turn in my badge and headset.

Mykellah · November 2017

The doctors said five years ish maybe if they can fix me up some but I'm starting to wonder if five weeks might be called overly optimistic. Without getting into the details too much, today was scary. I hope I can get this surgery they want to do for me sooner rather than later, I quite obviously need it.

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MAD 2: MADDEN'S MADDENING.

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