I've had the flu for the last week, it's been horrible, I've been basically relegated to my room, and quarantined. if I leave my room, it's with a mask and gloves on to keep my family from getting sick. This also means that I'm pretty much 'out of touch' with my family beyond them bringing food and leaving it on a dresser just inside my door for me to get it from.
The first time I've left my room without anything but the mask (I wiped my hands down with hand-wipes before I left, but that's kind of beside the point), it was because my grandmother had fallen. She had fallen and I was one of the two people necessary to help pick her up off the floor and help her to and from the restroom. This stressed her out immensely, because it's always a scary situation to her, her knees buckle beneath her because she is not a woman who exercises regularly, and she eats because she's bored. And then complains that she's afraid to exercise or leave the house because she might fall and hurt herself. Well, after falling today, she suffered... something. It wasn't a stroke, it wasn't a heartattack. All I know is that she just became immediately confused, she couldn't recognize me, my brother, any of our animals, and barely recognized my mother. I don't even think she remembered my uncle. She just was talking about her mother being alive, and became distressed when she looked at the calendar she kept hanging in her room, and the memorial picture of my grandfather she kept close at hand next to his folded flag (ex-navy). They (the doctors at the hospital) think it's too much carbon in her system -right now- as a result of too much oxygen or something, but they're not sure. I'm stuck at home while everyone else but me and -possibly- one other person went up to join her in the ICU up in the big city. I'm stressed beyond all belief, I feel like my chest hurts, and the only report that I've gotten so far is 'I don't know, she hasn't woken up and she's cold as ice." This isn't.. uncommon for diabetes sufferers (She's had it under control..well.. as under control as you can call it for someone who eats because all she can do with her sedentary lifestyle is watch TV, eat, and play games/post on facebook on the computer which is less than half a step away from her bed), but it's unnaturally so if my mother has distinctly -mentioned- it. They've got her hooked up to a lot of machines right now. And all I can think of, 'is the woman who raised me while my mother had to work multiple jobs to try and care for me as a single mother might try to do going to be leaving me this soon?" and I'm not in a good place mentally right now. All I can do is wait and stress and feel awful emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Interacting with furniture: It can be a little annoying when you decide you wanna move your furniture around, you get just the perfect table, couch, or bed, but later decide you want it in another room, and what do you have to do? You have to either go and buy another (along with a mushroom sigil) to move it, or you have to poke at godmin for the ones that have Varnish on 'em.
Why not be able to PUSH that COUCH NORTHEAST so that you move it into the room northeast of the current one?
Lately been counterbalancing stresses of IRL with a minecraft server project. So far? Looking good, I'm just frustrated with the mods/admin not being as active as they should be, and the fact that there are NO VILLAGERS WITH SILKTOUCH!!!!!
(I like my server btw, there are reasons why I'm still active on it, in spite of a few fairly sizeable flaws with uh.. lack of population.)
Not posting because I want or need attention.. posting because it gets my brain somewhere that it can examine and maybe give itself a bit of an emotional lift..
I'll post the TL:DR up front though, so that anyone who might be annoyed by these "I'm depressed, I'm sorry." posts.. I'm depressed, I'm sorry. I don't wanna break down into tears for stupid reasons or no reason at all.
I hate being Bipolar. I have a good grasp on it so I'm not so much a threat ot anyone, myself included.. but I hate when I get to the point where.. well. I have a scale folks, a scale of 1 to 10, and to explain the scale, if I'm at a 1, it means that I'm a danger to myself, I need to be watched, I need to be sat down, and I probably need someone to make sure I don't do anything stupid to myself, because I'm not myself. My brain has decided to give in to its darknesses, and all I'm hearing is a voice calling for me to commit suicide, it's point out everything I've ever done wrong, and blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong and I have been a spectator to, whether I had any real consequencial presence or not. Moving to the opposite end of the scale.. a 10 is almost as bad. This is where I need to be isolated. I need to be in my room, alone, with something to distract me, because I'm not in a correct state of myself as well. I'm manic at that point, and I am likely to be excessively impulsive, not aware of my own strength, and all I can do is find something, if I recognize myself as manic, and play something fast paced, violent, and able to keep pace with my own thoughts. Because I'll get bored excessively quickly. I do have games I play for this. My good days are focused around being a 5 on this scale. I'm not so overly manic that I'm not able to see beyond my thoughts, but I'm not so depressed I can see the butterflies as well as the rain. The last few days, I've been a 3.5 or so, I'm depressed. I ache, I hurt. I wonder if I want to actually sit up this morning. I genuinely wonder if I feel like unicorns because my body is trying to break down, or if it's just the depression making me feel like unicorns. I make myself function anyways, because I have to. I harden up and I make sure I don't think about the knot in my throat any time I take a moment to just sit in silence, because I don't wanna start bawling. But I am also probably at my most unsafe position in this stage.. I'm barely keeping my face above the waters of depression, and I'm afraid of bothering people, so I stay quiet, I paddle as best as I can, and I try to ride it out as best as I can.. and if something bad has happened recently? Then there's an anchor around my ankle and it's me struggling not to sink any further than that.
Thank you for reading, or if you don't, then thanks for allowing me to post, and sorry if I annoy anyone.