Interacting with furniture: It can be a little annoying when you decide you wanna move your furniture around, you get just the perfect table, couch, or bed, but later decide you want it in another room, and what do you have to do? You have to either go and buy another (along with a mushroom sigil) to move it, or you have to poke at godmin for the ones that have Varnish on 'em.
Why not be able to PUSH that COUCH NORTHEAST so that you move it into the room northeast of the current one?
Lately been counterbalancing stresses of IRL with a minecraft server project. So far? Looking good, I'm just frustrated with the mods/admin not being as active as they should be, and the fact that there are NO VILLAGERS WITH SILKTOUCH!!!!!
(I like my server btw, there are reasons why I'm still active on it, in spite of a few fairly sizeable flaws with uh.. lack of population.)
Not posting because I want or need attention.. posting because it gets my brain somewhere that it can examine and maybe give itself a bit of an emotional lift..
I'll post the TL:DR up front though, so that anyone who might be annoyed by these "I'm depressed, I'm sorry." posts.. I'm depressed, I'm sorry. I don't wanna break down into tears for stupid reasons or no reason at all.
I hate being Bipolar. I have a good grasp on it so I'm not so much a threat ot anyone, myself included.. but I hate when I get to the point where.. well. I have a scale folks, a scale of 1 to 10, and to explain the scale, if I'm at a 1, it means that I'm a danger to myself, I need to be watched, I need to be sat down, and I probably need someone to make sure I don't do anything stupid to myself, because I'm not myself. My brain has decided to give in to its darknesses, and all I'm hearing is a voice calling for me to commit suicide, it's point out everything I've ever done wrong, and blaming me for everything that has ever gone wrong and I have been a spectator to, whether I had any real consequencial presence or not. Moving to the opposite end of the scale.. a 10 is almost as bad. This is where I need to be isolated. I need to be in my room, alone, with something to distract me, because I'm not in a correct state of myself as well. I'm manic at that point, and I am likely to be excessively impulsive, not aware of my own strength, and all I can do is find something, if I recognize myself as manic, and play something fast paced, violent, and able to keep pace with my own thoughts. Because I'll get bored excessively quickly. I do have games I play for this. My good days are focused around being a 5 on this scale. I'm not so overly manic that I'm not able to see beyond my thoughts, but I'm not so depressed I can see the butterflies as well as the rain. The last few days, I've been a 3.5 or so, I'm depressed. I ache, I hurt. I wonder if I want to actually sit up this morning. I genuinely wonder if I feel like unicorns because my body is trying to break down, or if it's just the depression making me feel like unicorns. I make myself function anyways, because I have to. I harden up and I make sure I don't think about the knot in my throat any time I take a moment to just sit in silence, because I don't wanna start bawling. But I am also probably at my most unsafe position in this stage.. I'm barely keeping my face above the waters of depression, and I'm afraid of bothering people, so I stay quiet, I paddle as best as I can, and I try to ride it out as best as I can.. and if something bad has happened recently? Then there's an anchor around my ankle and it's me struggling not to sink any further than that.
Thank you for reading, or if you don't, then thanks for allowing me to post, and sorry if I annoy anyone.
Today/last night we lost a singer that.. well.. maybe not everyone liked, but the band covered a variety of songs, not just that one crappy portion that everyone associates them with. And songs like "Shadow of the Day" got me through some rough waters myself during some of my heavier depressions.
Chester Bennington, may he rest in peace.
If you ever feel like there's nothing left, and all you have is a corner against your back, and that the embrace of the afterlife is the only way out? Please, consider calling the National Suicide Lifeline. Please. If not for yourself, then consider doing it for all of those who love you, and the darkness clouding your thoughts cannot let you see their love for you, because ending your life is not a release of pain for you.. it's giving the pain you suffer to those around you, and choosing to make them suffer three times as much for each person you are close to. So please, consider dialing this number: 1-800-273-8255.
It's confidential, free, and they will do their best to help you as best as they can. And they will help you find the words you need to reach out to your loved ones and seek their help in getting through the darkness, so that you aren't so alone that you won't see death as the only path. Please.