Pimp My Description!

Angwe

Yo, I heard you like descriptions, so we put a thread on your forums so you can describe what you see, dawg!

...That was horrible. Anyway, I wrote this description up pretty much on the spur of the moment, and I'm sure there's plenty that could be improved. Anyone have any critique for me?

He is a dexterous Yeleni who bears a form similar to the fauns of the Ancient Heartwood. Supple musculature covers a lithe, powerful frame and wickedly stained claws tip overly long arms covered from the elbow down with a thin pelt of brown fur. Causing him to tip forward in a near-constant predatory crouch, his weight is carried upon bovine legs, the flesh beneath hidden by a thick pelt of brown fur and ending in cloven feet. Though gentle in his movements, a sort of fierce decisiveness underscores everything he does, unspoken violence underscoring softly spoken words. Sharing a few features with the fauns of the Heartwood, his long, gaunt face has a pronounced ridge throughout the nasal cavity, goat-like furred ears sprout from the sides of his head and his nut-brown skin boasts a hardened and inflexible look, as though carved from wood. Small glass objects and pieces of bone have been braided through black hair that is moss-like in texture and a pale, featureless bone mask hangs from his belt. He is wearing:
6 silver rings
a supple snakeskin rucksack
a simple bag made from an old banner
a leather herb pouch
a white crystal amulet
a pair of diffusal goggles
a gold star
a dhurive bandolier of polished dark leather
a savage suit of bone-adorned chainmail
a pair of cloth wrap gloves
a blue crystal amulet
a cracked fang earring
a black and gold silk loincloth
a lunar eclipse medallion
a cracked hematite medallion of the Pride
an iron ylem-binding gauntlet
a gold stud earring

Emelle

He is a dexterous Yeleni who bears a form similar to the fauns of the Ancient Heartwood. Supple musculature covers a lithe, powerful frame and wickedly stained claws tip overly long arms covered from the elbow down with a thin pelt of brown fur. Causing him to tip forward in a near-constant predatory crouch, his weight is carried upon bovine legs, the flesh beneath hidden by a thick pelt of brown fur and ending in cloven feet [something about the phrasing of this seems a little awkward to me. I'm not entirely sure you have to say this at all, since you mentioned him having bovine legs]. Though gentle in his movements, a sort of fierce decisiveness underscores everything he does, unspoken violence underscoring [watch for word repetition!] softly spoken words. Sharing a few features with the fauns of the Heartwood [personally, I'd get rid of this entirely; because you mention it in the beginning of the description, it frames everything else the observer is going to read], his long, gaunt face has a pronounced ridge throughout the nasal cavity, goat-like furred ears sprout from the sides of his head and his nut-brown skin boasts a hardened and inflexible look, as though carved from wood. Small glass objects and pieces of bone have been braided through black hair that is moss-like in texture and a pale, featureless bone mask hangs from his belt. He is wearing:
6 silver rings
a supple snakeskin rucksack
a simple bag made from an old banner
a leather herb pouch
a white crystal amulet
a pair of diffusal goggles
a gold star
a dhurive bandolier of polished dark leather
a savage suit of bone-adorned chainmail
a pair of cloth wrap gloves
a blue crystal amulet
a cracked fang earring
a black and gold silk loincloth
a lunar eclipse medallion
a cracked hematite medallion of the Pride
an iron ylem-binding gauntlet
a gold stud earring

What color are his eyes?

...are he and Emelle twins? >>

Angwe

Hoof twins!

Zun

One of my personal bugbears is "a sort of fierce decisiveness." It's the couching of a powerful characteristic, what you're making out to be a definitive feature of this man, in vague terms, drifting like a nebulous point in a sea of hyper-definition. We mark his horns, cloven feet, legs, muscles (and hell, even the ridges of his nasal cavity) but when it comes to his bearing, it's a sort of something, an almost thing.

By way of advice: don't describe his mannerisms, or nestle them within broader strokes of his appearance.

Angwe

Thanks for pointing that out @Zun! That's a symptom of something that's been bothering me about my own writing lately, I have a lot of trouble describing people's emotions or mindsets without being very 'literal' about it (though not so far as to state my character, Angwe is angry. That would make me mad with rage).

Arbre

Angwe said:

Angwe is angry

I can just see Kiyo's conniption now.

Angwe

Revision!

He is a dexterous Yeleni who bears a form similar to the fauns of the Ancient Heartwood. Supple musculature covers a lithe frame bearing long arms covered from the elbow down with a thin pelt of brown fur. He carries his weight upon rear-jointed bovine legs, the flesh beneath hidden by a pelt long and shaggy enough to cover cloven feet; the broad claws that compliment them similarly spackled with mud. Among a few features shared with the Heartwood fauns are the pronounced ridge running throughout his nasal cavity (which only adds to the gauntness of his face); the goat-like ears that sprout from the sides of his head and the nut-brown skin boasting a hardened and inflexible look like something carved from wood. Small glass objects pieces of bone and other trophies have been braided through moss-like hair a shade of color stuck between green and black. The green radiance that shines forth from the oaken ocular caverns where his eyes should be finish off this otherworldly picture and a pale, featureless bone mask hangs from his belt, many cuts and nicks marring it's surface. He is wearing:
6 silver rings
a supple snakeskin rucksack
a simple bag made from an old banner
a leather herb pouch
a white crystal amulet
a pair of diffusal goggles
a gold star
a dhurive bandolier of polished dark leather
a savage suit of bone-adorned chainmail
a pair of cloth wrap gloves
a blue crystal amulet
a cracked fang earring
a black and gold silk loincloth
a lunar eclipse medallion
a cracked hematite medallion of the Pride
an iron ylem-binding gauntlet
a gold stud earring

@Emelle, as soon as you pointed out that redundant sentence I realized how awkward the phrasing and the cadence on the whole thing was. Rather than getting rid of that sentence, I decided to fix everything around it and give it some sort of justification (with a few tweaks of course). Maybe its still redundant? And thanks for pointing out the eyes, I thought I'd put that in. I was at work when I hit 100 and couldn't wait to go endgame, so I had to write a description on the fly while distracted by work and the actual RP event of Haern pumping Ang full of <REDACTED>.

@Zun I just ended up kicking that whole part out. Looking at it now, it's just filler.

EDIT: Forgot a damn comma >.<

Damonicus

Pilar have a younger brother?

Emelle

He is a dexterous Yeleni who bears a form similar to the fauns of the Ancient Heartwood. Supple musculature covers a lithe frame bearing long arms covered from the elbow down with a thin pelt of brown fur. He carries his weight upon rear-jointed bovine legs, the flesh beneath hidden by a pelt long and shaggy enough to cover cloven feet; the broad claws that compliment them are similarly spackled with mud [this is a sentence in itself and therefore requires a verb!]. Among a few features shared with the Heartwood fauns are the pronounced ridge running throughout his nasal cavity (which only adds to the gauntness of his face);, the goat-like ears that sprout from the sides of his head, and the nut-brown skin boasting a hardened and inflexible look like something [as though/if? there's nothing specifically wrong with this, per se, just a personal preference here] carved from wood. Small glass objects, pieces of bone, and other trophies have been braided through moss-like hair a shade of color stuck between green and black. The green radiance that shines forth from the oaken ocular caverns where his eyes should be finishes [the subject of this sentence (green radiance) is singular, so the verb should match that] off this otherworldly picture and a pale, featureless bone mask hangs from his belt cuts and nicks marring it's surface [I'm not sure how I feel about this last bit being included in your description at all. In this particular phrasing I think it takes away from the effect of your previous phrase; if you must keep it, it should be its own sentence, since it's diverging completely from the other things you're describing. also, plz2be getting rid of that apostrophe.].

Better!  Still a few grammar nits to work out, but you're getting there

aaargh why can't I get out of the quote box, I'm such a nub

Lin

Is this alright?

He is an undead muscular Mhun of average height, his flesh the color of a drowning victim. He wears his young man's bulk awkwardly, moving as if accustomed to being a little smaller than he is. Rendered in cold tones, his face is pouty and handsome, dark eyes and lean, bruise-colored lips set thoughtfully by default. His hair is brown, long at the crown, shorn thin around the sides, and styled in such a way as to overhang the side of his brow. Marring the lines of his jaw, neck, and arms, fractal discolorations in rude, random shapes mark his skin, a pale peach hue that looks burnt in.

He is wearing:

4 silver rings

matte black scale mail

a regal, sleeveless white longcoat

a pair of brown leather trousers

a pair of armored boots

He walks with the blessing of Ivoln.

Kiyotan

Definitely about as far from Marty Stu as a desc can be. Bravo.

Lin

Oh, thanks! I believe that's a good thing, right? I was pretty inspired by the way Zun handled undeath, and wanted to do something similar.

Moirean

"...and styled in such a way as to overhang the side of his brow. "

Why not just say styled to overhang the side etc...? Seems unnecessarily wordy to me, but that's personal preference, I guess.

Zun

An informal description by design, but worried it's too much:

He is a typical Human in frame and feet, measuring just under six of the latter while the former is distinctly rawboned. His nose, cut like a rudder, divides an expressive face. It's no secret where this quality originates: every feature, from brow to mouth to hazel eyes, is larger than it ought to be. It's as if his face was molded from congealing tallow into the shape of a mountain range. A distinctly face-shaped mountain range. And then the tide of his slick, brown hair. It falls down to one side of his forehead in spite, a trim haircut designed to fail under the rigors of neglect. He is wearing:

a pair of black, buckled leather shoes

a loose, white poet shirt

sturdy brown leather trousers

a brown, fur-lined winter coat

a pair of brass-rimmed spectacles

Rivas

I will preface what I'm about to say with: I like it. Excellent imagery.


THAT BEING SAID...it's almost -too- poetic, y'know? Like I had to read it, then interpret it. That's fine for emotes, but kinda too much work for a description, in my opinion.

Also the last three sentences just...don't read right. It might have something to do with the punctuation and the pacing of them? I wish I could give better feedback, but my allergy medication is kicking in and I'm starting to feel like my signature.

Arbre

It reminds me of Haven's emotes.  It's overkill, really - I've always felt descriptions should be as factual as possible and not flowery.  I try to make mine as simple and short as possible so people might actually read them.

Rivas

^
^
Yes, that.


Arbre, translate all my posts today for me. Kthx.

Arbre

Rivas says, "Arbre is the best! She is sooo much smarter than me."

Rivas

I just made the face that your chibi makes. All for you.

Zun

Sort of what I expected, thanks for the feedback. I'll trim it up.

Alastair

Oooh, do me do me. I'm dumb at everything, ask anyone.

He is a wise Azudim vampire. Alastair stands at an average height, perhaps slightly above. In a natural resting posture, the only thing moving about his preternaturally still form are his eyes.  Greyish-black flesh of a smooth appearance covers his body, like some leather made marble. His mannerisms and gestures are stolid and spartan, brief and direct as he is in his movements and inflectionless speech. His strong jawline leads itself into high cheekbones and an aquiline nose. The eyes, so brown as to almost be of ebon, are set beneath unkempt brows of black and a bald pate. Musculature that borders on bulky is packed into his still lithe and proportionate frame. His teeth, with ever so slightly pronounced canines, gleam whitely when they make their appearance. Alastair's general posture is typically relaxed, but with shoulders back and spine erect, exuding an aura of near tangible readiness. The bat-like wings protruding from his shoulders are a darker grey, splotched here and there with splashes of black or a lighter grey, giving a mottled overall impression, one that makes Alastair's exact outline unclear in weak illumination.

Emelle

@Alastair: Your writing is descriptive and vivid; personally, I wouldn't change much about the way you've described him and his features. I do have a couple of more technical bones to pick, though.

I wouldn't use his name in your description. It's a nit, and I know some people don't like to use a lot of personal pronouns, but that's just my preference.

Also, I think you could take out the bits about his "natural resting posture" and "general posture." Not only would this make the description a more readable length, but as it is, I think those parts are a little unnecessary. If Alastair is fighting, or tense, or really fired up about something, his posture is going to be different -- that's not for your description, it's for your emotes to describe.

Alastair

Thank you! I am one of those personal pronoun haters. I will at least sub a few of them out, because I find it no less a pet peeve when I see names that often too. MIX AND MATCH!

I also try to avoid permanency in the description, but I felt I kind of cheated it with putting stuff like 'typically'. Apparently I didn't!

Lydiatha

Please help. I don't even know what I'm doing with this anymore.

She is a resilient Atavian that stands at a solid five feet, nine inches tall with a woman's figure,
the curves of her body giving her a strong, healthy appearance. Light blonde hair is braided tightly
against the sides of her head, the top pushed back away from her face witha few more thick braids.
Smaller, beaded braids are mixed in amongst the golden locks that fall loosely past her shoulders.
Stark blue eyes stand out in contrast against the pallor of her skin, set in a face marked by
hardship, the most prominent being a jagged scar that mars her face, running from her left temple
down to her chin. The wings behind her are a mottled brown color, resembling the coloring of a Great
Horned Owl, the light tan feathers growing progressively darker towards the tips.

Aryanne

Me next?!

I haaaate long descriptions, so I try to keep mine as short as possible, and tend to prefer very factual descriptions. That said, I realize that being brief can also leave sometimes too much to the imagination that create inconsistencies between what I have in my head and how people RP what I've explained from it in LOOK ME form.

So, on top of general "where could this be improved/where is is unclear/where is grammar fail", I'm also wondering about "where is this lacking" and "is there anything you are left wondering or having to make up"

She is an experienced Idreth. Rather diminutive of stature, she edges in on four feet tall. Her thin, strawberry-blonde hair falls in haphazard waves to her mid-back, a few frizzy locks of hair curling in front of her pointy ears to accent her oval face. She has wide, pale lavender eyes that dominate her young visage with fairly average-sized lips and a proportionally petite nose. Tanned skin covers her soft but fit frame.

Emelle

@Lydiatha: I think yours looks pretty good! I've made a few style suggestions below, most of which I think would help make your description more direct. That being said, there's not anything explicitly wrong with it as it is, so take it or leave it!

She is a resilient Atavian standing at a solid five feet nine inches tall and with a woman's figure, the curves of her body giving her a strong, healthy appearance. Light blonde hair is braided tightly against the sides of her head, the top pushed back away from her face with a few more thick braids. Smaller, beaded braids are mixed in amongst the golden locks that fall loosely past her shoulders. Standing out against the pallor of her skin, stark blue eyes are set in a face marked by hardship, the most prominent feature[?] being a jagged scar that mars her face, running runs from her left temple down to her chin. The wings behind her are a mottled brown color, resembling the coloring of a Great  Horned Owl, the light tan feathers growing progressively darker towards the tips.

@Aryanne: Yours looks really good to me! I'd change a couple of really small things to sort of group things together more.

She is an experienced Idreth. Rather diminutive of stature, she edges in on four feet tall with a soft, but fit frame. Her thin, strawberry-blonde hair falls in haphazard waves to her mid-back, a few frizzy locks of hair curling in front of her pointy ears to accent her oval face. She has wide, pale lavender eyes that dominate her young visage, along with fairly average-sized lips, a proportionally petite nose, and tanned skin. Tanned skin covers her soft but fit frame.

Emelle

@Alastair: Ooh, wait, I found grammar things.

He is a wise Azudim vampire. Alastair stands at an average height, perhaps slightly above. In a natural resting posture, the only thing moving about his preternaturally still form are  is [subject-verb agreement!] his eyes.  Greyish-black flesh of a smooth appearance covers his body, like some leather made marble.

Alastair

There's my 8th grade education kicking in! Heh, completely missed that the 500 times I've looked at it. Thanks again!!!

Aryanne

Ooh, Thanks @emelle ! I like that grouping better, totally makes sense to me, thanks!

Arbre

She is a powerful Azudim with a woman's figure, the curves of her body giving her a strong, healthy look. Tattoos wind over her body in no real pattern and flow within their confinements like liquid fire, contrasting brightly against her darkly tanned skin. Tawny fur falls about her shoulders like hair, thin, with a tendency to be frizzy. Large, rounded feline ears top her head, the various shades of brown, yellow, and red causing her green eyes to stand out like emeralds. Swaying three feet behind her is a long, thick tail, covered in brown fur that gradates down to black at the end. Between her shoulder blades are two long, parallel scars, at the top of which extend wings of undulating strands. The aroma of scintilily flowers hanging about her is overwhelming, though not quite strong enough to overcome the stench of dirt, blood, and wet dog.

She is a dexterous Lupine standing chest level with the average human when on all fours and well over when upright. Her frame is trim and lean, clearly built for speed over strength. Grey fur covers the majority of her body with an insulating black undercoat, the grey guard hairs coarse to the touch while the black fur beneath is downy and fine. Shining through like lava beneath cracked rock, a network of fiery tattoos cut artful swaths through her fur, an occasional prominence arching between designs. Her legs and muzzle are a warm cream color fading to white on her belly. Bright green eyes are set an elegantly tapered muzzle and gold flecks in the iris are evident as they catch and reflect even the slightest light. Hard grey claws tip each of the digits on her massive paws and a thick bottle-brush tail sways back and forth behind her to aid in balance when she moves. The aroma of scintilily flowers hanging about her is overwhelming, though not quite strong enough to overcome the stench of dirt, blood, and wet dog.

Moirean

This thread got me to tighten up a few weird words in mine. It's kinda vanilla. I think I've basically had this description for years now. Any ideas to spice it up?

She is an IMP and is a slight, slender creature. Small, bat-like wings fan out from her shoulder blades, while a curling tail twists behind her to occasionally twitch in vaguely mischievous movements. A pair of petite horns frames her features, sprouting from her brow to highlight a pair of bright, amber eyes. Auburn hair tumbles around pointed ears in tangled curls, the color a lurid match for the seared brand of a thirteen-pointed star across her forehead.